Issue 7The Happy Trail

Sexy snafus continue

Photo Credit

By Anna Sweetland

  In my last sex horror story article, I encouraged readers to find sexiness in their snafus. Did you take my advice? If you haven’t, that’s alright. Truthfully, I haven’t either. Somehow, I managed to develop genital psoriasis, and as a result, I haven’t felt sexy in months. From this experience I’ve realized how closely tied my sex appeal is to my happiness; I love sex, but I can’t desire or enjoy sex if I don’t feel sexy.

  If anyone else is feeling similarly, I think to reclaim our sexiness we need to acknowledge the normalcy in whatever is making us feel undesirable. For me, I need to recognize that I am not the first to contract a rash on my cooch, and I will not be the last. For someone feeling insecure about their sexual inexperience, it’s recognizing that regardless of our level of sex education or sexual experience, we all will make mistakes during sex. Sex is incredibly unpredictable, and to prove this to you, I will share a few more University of Puget Sound students’ sex horror stories!

  An anonymous junior submitted, “One time in high school I went to a movie with my new bf of like a month, the theater was nearly empty so we went to the back to make out. We brought a blanket and he fingered me under it (which was bad and low-key hurt) and after like 4 min I just asked him to stop lol. He then got so offended he left! And I had to call my dad to pick me up. The cherry on top was apparently, right before he fingered me, he ate cotton candy, and I got the worst yeast infection of my life. I dumped him that next day during passing time in school.” As someone who has had numerous yeast infections all from my own negligence, if I had to go through all of that anguish just because some little teenage twerp had the nerve to put his sticky cotton candy-coated fingers in my vagina…I would absolutely wreak havoc on him. I hope your public breakup rocked his world.

  Next, we have another anonymous junior’s submission: “When I was hooking up with one sugar daddy in Seattle I was like standing on his balcony taking in the view, loving it, eating it up and then he came from behind me and put his tongue in my ear and it felt like he was trying to lick the ear wax out of my ear. I was simultaneously self-conscious of my ear wax and also deeply disturbed to hear at 20x volume the sound of him licking at my ear, and it felt like the fattest Wet Willy that I was supposed to enjoy or something – still haunts me.” The audacity of this man to disrupt your calm, reflective one-on-one experience with nature with tongue-to-ear canal penetration is criminal.

  One anonymous senior compiled a list for us of the worst movies they’ve watched during sex: “Alien, The Greatest Showman, Jumanji 2, The Shining, Monuments Men, the Imitation Game, and Oh Brother Where Art Though.” To add to your list, I watched a climate change documentary during sex and that really dampened the mood; giving head while David Attenborough says his sweet environmentalist nothings to you is in fact distracting.

  So many good stories were sent in but I’ll end this edition with an anonymous junior’s submission: “The first time I ever had penetrative sex it lasted like an hour and a half and we were both confused why the hell it was taking so long so we migrated to the shower and when I went to give him head I felt my mouth go a little numb and it turns out we were using a numbing condom.” This led me to google what the purpose of numbing condoms is and apparently numbing condoms are also referred to as “delay condoms” which are lined with a lubricant containing a local anesthetic that slightly numbs the penis to reduce overstimulation. So allegedly, if you use a delay condom your sex could last longer. Just maybe avoid getting the lube in your mouth, unless you wanna do some dentist-patient roleplay!

  As you can see, sex isn’t always sexy. Sometimes you walk away with an infection, a wet ear, or a loss of feeling in your lips. So how sexy we feel isn’t dependent upon the sex that we’re having. Let’s both try and remember this when we’re feeling down and go forward and have an incredibly sexy finals week.