Combat Zone

Vegans victimized by Dining Services


Recently, dining services cut out some vegan options, namely the dough used in The Cellar’s pizza. A sign was erected next to the cash register in an attempt to raise student awareness about this wrongdoing.

“I’m a vegan,” a Cellar employee said, “I won’t change that, and I deserve the same opportunities that a non-vegan is given. If I want pizza, why can’t I have it too?”

Many assumed the issue had come from a lack of funding, but were outraged to find out the truth behind the cutbacks resided in the hiring of a new chef and his own beliefs. Upon contacting the new head chef, Ryan Saltman, we learned these decisions had come from a deeply personal conviction.

“I can’t stand when someone tries to tell me how to live my life,” Saltman said. “I had a vegan roommate back when I was in college, who made smug comments when I ate McDonald’s in our dorm… It’s not like I didn’t know it was bad for me, I just didn’t care. I always tried to secretly get him to eat bits of meat in hopes he could be converted back, but was never successful. Now as head chef, I can finally do something about all these vegans.”

In his interview, Saltman appeared to hold radical views as to how those who live a vegan lifestyle should be treated. He told reporters that his plan to “thin the herd” began with removing some vegan options from the menu. Then he hoped to exile the “picky eaters” into their own residence hall where they would be removed from the non-vegans and unable to spread their propaganda. Eventually, he revealed that he hoped to “save everyone who could be saved, and expel the rest.”

“Was there any screening done when they hired this guy?” Puget Sound student Eliza Donaldson said “And what does he think of vegetarians?”

In our interview, Saltman was ready with a response to the latter question.

“They [vegetarians] haven’t quite reached the final stages of their disease and I do believe that vegetarians can be saved, but they should be watched carefully.”

In response to Saltman’s comments, students began a campaign to get this dietary elitist fired. Vegans and non-vegans alike gathered together in a heartwarming march through the S.U.B. attempting to raise awareness for their cause.

“It’s great to see all these students with different dietary beliefs out here united under the same cause,” an anonymous employee of dining services said. “Hopefully by joining forces they will be successful.”

Fortunately, the student’s voices were heard, and Saltman’s hearing with the administration to decide his fate is set to occur next Monday.

“The school chose me to wield this power; I don’t think that they will take it away so easily,” Saltman said.

Rumors have surfaced that Saltman was hired specifically to rid the school of vegans, although nothing has been confirmed. The school refuses to comment on any events regarding dining services since the hiring of Saltman—even his previous decision to lace one in every eight vegan dishes with animal products.

“This thing goes all the way to the top,” student Andrew Krasley said.

While this may seem extreme, Krasley is not the only believer in this theory. Many students at the rally voiced their concern that their own school may be attempting to force vegans out.

Continuing his assault, Saltman claimed it would be easy enough to keep out prospective vegan students since affirmative action doesn’t apply to dietary decisions.

“We can reject all the vegans we want, as long as other we keep up other forms of diversity,” Saltman said.

With students and school divided, the decision made in Saltman’s hearing will mark a defining moment for the direction of the school.