Combat Zone

WHEELOCK CENTER—Citing many Puget Sound students’ comments about wanting to “steal that baby,” a study released by the KATO institute found that the University of Puget Sound is an unsafe place for babies. Babies are defined by Webster Dictionary as smaller versions of people but much cuter and less likely to kill anyone. Parents often bring their babies onto campus to demonstrate the kind of school they don’t want their kids to attend. However, due to the unsafe conditions on campus, the KATO institute is urging babies to stay away....

A new career path opened up for senior Tad Zilch last weekend after embracing some unexpected responsibilities at a party. Zilch,  a Science and Technology in Society major, came home Saturday night to find that his housemates were hosting a party after completing their senior capstone projects. “No one told me there was going to be a party, but I knew a couple of the people there through classes, so I only felt slightly uncomfortable in my own home,” Zilch said, recounting the night that changed his life. Zilch’s housemates...

T he network is looking for seven teenagers to act in the thrilling new drama. “Ideally we hope to find seven highly overdeveloped 16 year-olds to star as sophomores experiencing high levels of drama,” casting director Bob Hanson told The Flail in a recent interview. “They need to look like 25 year-olds, but we’ll say they’re 16 because that’s believable. Plus we can run the series through their college careers.” The show is truly looking to be unlike any other teenage drama, with real topics such as puberty, girls discovering...

Following a particularly tough week of having to actually do some homework and studying with minimal access to Wi-Fi, student Whit was on the point of breaking down from the stress. Sources say he was forced to get his stash of tissues that his mom had sent him. These tissues are a rare brand known as Privilege Tissues™ that are actually made from the suffering of people who have what the brand calls “actual problems.” Research has shown that the company primarily appeals to the average college student in the...

Students recently elected new ASUPS senators for the 2015-2016 academic year. Despite reporting satisfaction with the actual people elected, one campus group was dismayed by the newly elected Senators at Large. That is, they were dismayed by the term ‘Senators at Large.’ Campus social justice group SADBOYS (Students Against Derogatory Bodies Of Young Senators) issued a statement on their Facebook page last Wednesday. “While we stand behind newly elected senators from a leadership standpoint, we find it very difficult to support this title. The title, ‘Senator at Large,’ is disturbing—nay,...

Last week, Republican senator Ted Cruz of Texas became the first politician to announce his campaign for the 2016 Presidential election. Since the announcement, which Cruz delivered at Liberty University in Lynchburg, Va., the senator has faced countless accusations of lying and making false statements, particularly because of the ad he released, which is entitled “Time for Truth.” Plainstream media outlets like Politifact.com claim that certain things the Senator has said have been completely wrong. “Here, we have Thanksgiving, we have Christmas, we have the 4th of July. Every year...

Heaving a sigh of relief, a local student was thrilled to express that they and the rest of the campus were all still here in one piece. There had been a growing fear that things were not looking good following recent accusations of corruption. “I really felt things turned out remarkably well considering how treacherous of a path we seemed to be on. I was afraid I was going to have to actually start paying attention to ASUPS but now that the elections are over I can go back to...

Last Tuesday, Grizz the Logger left the women’s basketball game midway through the third quarter despite the shock and dizzying confusion of the crowd. Calls rang out from the bleachers as the normally humble bear-man threw down his hatchet and walked, head down, through the exit, and with broken hearts and broken spirits, the faithful Loggers continued to tearfully watch the game—without their beloved mascot. No one has seen the furry Logger since his mysterious disappearance. Attempts to contact the hybrid creature have been met only with disappointment and mystery,...