Combat Zone

Weekly Horoscopes

Libra:  Sep 23 – Oct 22

Try something new in the bedroom this week. Perhaps a Johnny Depp poster.

Scorpio:  Oct 23 – Nov 21

Be aware of your enemies’ weaknesses. Pour milk into the vents of your ex’s lactose intolerant Honda, then watch as it plagues him with engine trouble and belches exhaust.

Sagittarius:  Nov 22 – Dec 21

Let go of your conscience. Remember, you’ll never be popular until you can make fun of others.

Capricorn:  Dec 22 – Jan 19

Your stars say that now is the time to initiate a sexy, steamy romance with the brunette you’ve been eyeing. Unfortunately though, that brunette’s stars say something else entirely.

Aquarius:  Jan 20 – Feb 18

Your imagination runs wild this week with possibilities of your future: Surgeon? Congressman? Movie star? The sky’s the limit for you, unless you want to be an airplane pilot. You couldn’t do that.

Pisces:  Feb 19 – Mar 20

Remember that old rhyme about not stepping on the cracks or you’ll break your mother’s back? This becomes real when the Capricorn stars line up with Mercury. Avoid the cracks this week.

Aries: Mar 21 – Apr 19

Leggings ARE pants for you, Aries! Panty lines are sexy, particularly for you male rams this week!

Taurus: Apr 20 – May 20

A friend becomes manipulative under bitchy Pluto. Master the art of the backhanded compliment to ensure you hold the power. A good place to start might be, “You’re a breath of fresh air; I hate it when girls are smart!”

Gemini: May 21 – Jun 20

Beware the Capricorn.

Cancer: Jun 21 – Jul 22

Hope springs eternal for you. If the object of your affections seems distant, even if specified by a restraining order, be persistent! Constantly leave them wall posts on their Facebook, text them “xoxo” nonstop and write them several not-so-cryptic “Hey You!”s.

Leo: Jul 23 – Aug 22

Your laptop will freeze under uncooperative Venus. Try turning it off and then back on.

Virgo: Aug 23 – Sep 22

Your insecurities are holding you back; the people in your life admire you for the wonderful person that you already are. Also, throw those pants away, they make you look fat. You know the ones.