Combat Zone

Democrats aim to replace gay ban with gay band

After Senate Republicans on Tuesday blocked the legislation that would have repealed the “don’t ask, don’t tell” law in the military, Democrats are now scrambling to introduce a new bill which they hope will be met with greater success. “The idea of lifting the gay ban was unpopular with the GOP,” senate majority leader Harry Reid, D-Nev., said, “but that’s only because it would allow gays to openly join the military armed forces. What we are proposing now is that we repeal the ban, but take all gays and put them in their very own military band. It seems like a perfectly reasonable compromise.”

With November elections looming, many Democrats see this new bill (nicknamed “play brass, don’t yell”) as their last chance to change what many consider to be an unjust law.

“We have not yet spoken with any gay rights representatives on this new bill,” Reid said, “but we are certain this will be exactly what they’re looking for. Who doesn’t like trumpets?”

Already, the new proposal is causing great excitement across the aisle and many of the Republicans who voted down the first bill are perking of their ears.

“When I first heard about the military band idea, I shook my head ‘no’ and stomped my feet,” Sen. John Frankfurt, R-Ark., said. “That’s what I was told to do whenever the Democrats propose anything. But once I listened a little bit, I think I really like this bill. I want all gay folk in one place so I can know where they are. I hate it when they blend in and I don’t know who I should teach my children to be prejudiced against.”

In a press release on Wednesday, President Obama fielded several questions about the new bill and tried to alleviate concerns with some detailed specifics on the legislation.

“Look, gays and lesbians are the bedrock of this country,” the President said, “and that’s what it’s all about. Sometimes you’ve got to take your bedrock and make sure it doesn’t get all mixed up with your other bedrock. Make sense?”