The network LoggerLeaks has just revealed to the press audio files containing what analysts believe to be a conference between University President Ronald Thomas, Dean of Students Mike Segawa and at least two other school officials. The conference seems to be centered on plans for moving the entire campus “closer to the real world that most people actually live in.” The following is a partial transcript of that conference:
RONTHOM: All right, all right, settle down. We’ve got a lot to discuss.
SEGAWA: Can I propose something? Any students that lock their bikes to a handrail should then in turn be chained to that same handrail for seven days. Each day, four midgets will –
RON: No, Segawa. No. Just…stop.
SEG: Was it the midgets?
RON: Shut up, Segawa. OK, look. I called this meeting for a reason. We have things to discuss.
ALL: Tell us, fearless leader!
RON: You’ve all heard of the Puget Sound Bubble, right? The basic idea is that northern Tacoma has a very poor reality weathered face-to-Chaco tan ratio. Therefore, Puget Sound students tend to stay entirely in the area in and around campus. Sometimes they take trips to Capitol Hill or that big-ass mountain. But all the same, they learn nothing about the real world around them.
OFFICIAL ONE: Sure, sure.
RON: Well, ladies and gentleman, I propose that it’s time to change that.
OFFICIAL TWO: Mandatory volunteer programs?
ONE: Gentrify Tacoma?
SEG: Midget porn?
RON: No, no, no. None of that at all. What I’m proposing is that we relocate campus. Take it, in fact, right in to the middle of the dreariest slum we can find. All of us need to experience a little something different, I think.
ONE: Why is that going to make them go out more?
RON: I figure they avoid Tacoma as much as humanly possible, right? So, if we make the conditions even worse, it might get so extreme that’ll it come right out the other side, and they’ll go out ALL THE TIME!
ONE: To…a slum? Where? How?
RON: Open to suggestions on that one. I tried consulting our Philosophy department, but I didn’t get much. They said the campus is merely the projection of the idea of campus. Something about signifiers and referents. They called it semetics, or something.
ONE: The Jews are known for subjective projection upon the nature of reality. It’s kind of like a Woody Allen film…
RON: Right. Well, the Philosophy guys said we need to put the campus on a trolley, and have the breaks fail. Then, we run over one person to save five, and we’ve done it. That field is rather limited in the practicality department. But, yeah, I think we’ll look in a different direction. Anyone got something?
RON: We’ll work on it. Look: it comes down to this. I love Puget Sound, and I love Tacoma. But our students are simply too far removed from the real world. They need to see for themselves what things are like. This was the best mode I could imagine for allowing them that chance. Things might be dandy for them, but they need to see how the little man is struggling.
SEG: Did someone say “little man?”