Entering the abyss: a profile of the senior class
GLEN PERCY, PHILOSOPHY
After four years of chain-smoking through various existential crisis, senior philosophy major Glen Percy feels optimistic. “I’m looking ahead, into the bright beacon of my future.” Glen currently has no realistic job prospects and is graduating with a degree in philosophy. “Although I haven’t heard anything yet, I feel that my skills in analyzing 14th century texts is going to really set me apart from other applicants.” Glen’s brief resume lists only his name, phone number, and a quote from Socrates: all I know is that I know nothing. With absolutely nothing under his belt, Glen is sure to conquer the world. Which, as far as he knows, goes no further than his bookshelf.
YOLANDA GRACIE, COMMUNICATION STUDIES
Yolanda Gracie is has been known around campus the last four years for her bright teeth and incredibly short shorts. A member of Alpha-Phi for four years, Gracie reflects on her experiences: “It has been amazing,” she says, shivering in her miniskirt the icy April rain. “I feel like I’ve gained really essential life skills at Puget Sound. Survival skills, really.” Hospitalized for hypothermia four times this winter alone, Yolanda has repeatedly persevered over her body’s vulnerability to the harsh weather conditions. Against doctors’ recommendations, has refused to compromise her style. “Showing a little skin never hurt anyone,” she says, “hypothermia-schmypothermia.” Yolanda will be relocating to Southern California after graduation, where she will bleach her hair and try to make use of her degree in communication studies and extensive experience in ribbon-twirling.
VIOLET DANGER, ENGLISH LITERATURE
Violet Danger, a writer for the highly respected Combat Zone section of The Trail, anticipates a future in the thriving world of print journalism. “My portfolio is just bursting with poignant articles.” Violet says. She has been applying for internships and jobs at newspapers around the country since early March. Her portfolio includes a variety of stories published in The Trail, including, “Computer keyboard has affair with piano keyboard” and “4 out of 5 bed bugs still virgins” “JK Rowling ‘just kidding’ about Harry Potter Series”. Miraculously, Danger has been rejected for several prestigious journalism fellowships at the New York Times and The Wall Street Journal. “I can only assume they’re taken aback by my maturity,” says Violet, pulling out her recent hard-hitting expose: “Area stop sign surprisingly optimistic”