Combat Zone

Elon Musk trying to make my.pugetsound user-friendly

Elon Musk, visionary, sees into the future — Photo courtesy of Flickr

For his latest and greatest technological feat, Elon Musk will attempt to make my.pugetsound.edu a user-friendly website.

“Mr. Musk is seeking the ultimate technological challenge,” Beverly Vox, Musk’s publicist, said. “He’s made a car that runs on yard trimmings. He’s made a rocket that goes down. When I asked him what he wanted to do next, he told me, ‘I’ll settle for nothing less than the impossible.’ This is what lead us to focusing on my.pugetsound.edu.”

Sources from the budgeting department of SpaceX have tentatively outlined the project’s budget to be approximately 20 billion dollars, but have emphasized that when Musk sets his mind on something, money is no object.

“All I can tell you is that by the time this is over, people will be able to use my.pugetsound.edu without incurring intense rage,” Trilby Tonkles, head budget coordinator for SpaceX, said. “Maybe that will cost 10 billion, maybe 20, maybe 100 billion. Mr. Musk will bleed this country dry before he lets this website continue to exist in its current condition.”

I spoke with University of Puget Sound sophomore Marlene Mindle.

“I think Elon Musk is pretty ugly,” Mindle said.

Many have reacted to the project’s announcement with shock and doubt, claiming that the feat is too far-fetched and that only an egomaniac would attempt it. Even die-hard Musk fans (or “Musk-rats,” as they often call themselves) are skeptical about this latest endeavor.

“Look, I’m the biggest Musk-rat around,” said Puget Sound first-year Jonathan Stroud. “I breathe Elon. I bleed Elon. I don’t have a Tesla yet, but when I do, I’m going to talk about it all the time. I believe in Elon more than anyone, but … my.pugetsound.edu … it’s a madman’s dream. It’s a lost cause. Even I don’t know why he would even touch it.”

Other local Musk-rats, such as senior Oxfolotis Zenbrioskus, were more optimistic.

“Come on, idiots. This guy invented a car that can jump. A car that can freaking jump,” Zenbrioskus said. “My guess? In six months, my.pugetsound.edu is going to be the slickest, sexiest site on the web. High schoolers everywhere will be applying to Puget Sound just so they can use the website. Elon Musk is the greatest thing to ever happen to this school, this country and the male gender.”

Puget sound junior Elvin Ceeramind also believes in the project.

“Yeah, I think he can do it. He’s super ugly though,” Ceeramind said.

Most confident about the success of this enterprise is Musk himself, who delivered a manifesto on his tackling of my.pugetsound.edu, which he streamed to the entire world on all platforms.

“Hello. Konnichiwa. Bonjour. As you know, my name is Elon Musk. You may remember me from when I created bread that is slippery. Perhaps you found erotic pleasure when I invented invisible sweaters. You all, of course, are still reeling from the car that can jump. I come to you now — in your homes, your private spaces, your work spaces, your submarines — to announce the future OF the future. What task does a man take on for whom all tasks bend, for whom the impossible becomes possible? I will achieve the unachievable: I will make my.pugetsound.edu a tolerable website.” The next 20 seconds of Musk’s address were drowned out by the shocked screaming of reporters present. “Please, please. I know this comes as a surprise, but who believed me when I said I could make a car jump? Nobody,” Musk said.

Initial reactions by members of the press were universally those of disbelief.

“He’s found his limit,” Charles Doob of CNN said.

“This isn’t a job for science, it’s a job for magic. And I don’t believe in freaking magic,” Juttial Jebb of the New York Times said.

“I can’t believe how ugly his face is,” Headly Burns of BBC said.

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