Combat Zone

Missing library kiosk makes it impossible to hang ‘missing library kiosk’ posters

Last Tuesday night campus security realized that the cylindrical bulletin board kiosk outside the Collins Memorial Library had gone missing.

“We were about to post a bulletin warning the campus of a recent spree of illegal squirrel boxing matches,” Chuck Scrampton, a new intern at security services, explained. “We were shocked to discover that the bulletin board was gone. It’s really unfortunate because postings on that board are our main hub for important security reports.”

Abandoning their squirrel boxing investigation, Security Services printed up dozens of “MISSING KIOSK!” posters, and ran to post them at the prominent kiosk outside the library.

“At this point, we again realized that the kiosk was missing.” Scrampton said, “we just put the posters on the ground, but they blew away almost immediately. It just shows how imperative it is that we find this kiosk.”

Security suspects that the criminals used an axe to chop down the bulletin board and dragged it away on horseback. This theory is based on a crayon drawing left at the site, with “SUCK IT SECURITY!” scribbled across it.

“We aren’t sure if the perpetrator was sending a threatening message to security, or if this was just a prank. We are still analyzing the crayon drawing. It’s quite good.” Scrampton said.

Danny Pickett, head of campus security, is tirelessly gathering suspects. “This wasn’t an amateur job, no. We are looking at the usual suspects: Al-Qaeda, North Korea, RDG. Who ever did this had the resources to buy crayons. And glitter, lots of glitter.” Pickett said.
The security team, after following horse tracks, spent all morning searching for the bulletin board in the President’s Woods before giving up on the hunt.

“Do you know how many trees look like that damn bulletin board? All of them,” Pickett said, disappointedly. “It’s frustrating walking through the arboretum, looking for a specific cylindrical wooden thing. I can’t see the difference between a tree and a bulletin board. And lets not even start thinking about telephone poles” he said, “Although it did give me an idea for a cheap replacement for our previous board.”

Pickett and his employees plan to spread the word about the theft, in the hopes that people can provide more information. Of course, there is the issue of how to spread the word, without a place to post notifications. When asked why they don’t use the new, $100,000 blue security towers, Pickett was defensive.

“There are so many buttons! I have no clue how to use those things. Plus, can you really expect the head of security to waste time trying to learn how to use the campus security towers? No! I have tons of other important security stuff to deal with, like missing ID cards and people walking on restricted grass.”

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