How do you know if you are falling in love? My previous relationship was not particularly close, but since arriving here, I’ve fallen for someone. We spend all our time together and I feel super comfortable around them. I just don’t know how to tell if it’s a crush or really love. Any advice?
Sincerely, Old Fashioned Lover Boy
Dear Old Fashioned Lover Boy,
Having a crush is such a wonderful thing, as it represents possibilities for the future. Defining relationships and figuring out feelings is definitely a challenge, but doing the work to understand these feelings often leads to the best outcomes. I hate to give you the cliche, but the teller is time. Initial infatuation and lust from a crush can fade pretty quickly, while love tends to grow deeper with the time you spend together and the memories you make. Comfort with each other is also so important, and I’m glad you have that with your friend.
Besides comfortability, another indication is vulnerability. Do you want to open up to this person? Do you feel like you want to share a new part of yourself with them, or maybe even explore new parts of yourself with them? Love involves a deeper connection that builds on shared values, goals, and even envisioning a future together. Looking past what your relationship is or could be with this person shows another sign of love, as you deeply care for them on a human level. Do you care about their happiness and well-being past your relationship with them? If you find yourself wanting to be a large supporter of their hopes and dreams, that’s definitely a sign that it’s more than just a crush. See how you feel during hard times with this person. If you are in a bad place or even face a moment of tension in the relationship, how do you feel at the other end? Are you left feeling fulfilled and cared for, and wanting to move on being in a relationship with this person? That could be a sign that it is love.
Think about these questions and hopefully they will provide some clarity. I hope you don’t put too much pressure on yourself to figure everything out right now. Overall, it is most important that you take the time to feel your feelings and focus on what you want for yourself in this period of life.
My girlfriend and I have been together for a few years, we met in high school but go to college in different states, which makes us classic long distance lesbians during the school year. We’ve had really great communication through our college years so far. Since the start of our relationship we’ve been monogamous in every possible way. We’re each other’s life partners, and are both confident in that. But, In the past we’ve chatted a few times about hooking up with other people or even adding a third sometime. We’re secure enough in our relationship that we could have a little fun and perhaps pull something off without any issues. Neither of us has had the urge though, nor have we encountered any good prospects. Until now… I have a friend (let’s call her Sally) whom I happen to find very attractive. I’ve always felt like Sally and I have a good friendship and I’ve definitely felt some chemistry between us in the past. For some reason I can’t stop thinking about Sally in this way. I’ve known her for months and I still feel this way. I know my girlfriend would like her a lot too. But I don’t know what to do now. So here I am, madly in love with my long-term girlfriend who I’ve always been monogamous with, and also crushing on my close friend. Do I tell my girlfriend about these feelings? Do I ask her if she’d be open to me pursuing them? Do I ask her if we could just hook up with my friend? Do I tell my friend I like her? Does she even like me back in that way? Help!!
Sincerely, a Frustrated Femme
Dear Frustrated Femme,
This is a dilemma that many run into with bringing a long distance partner into college, myself included. The first thing I will tell you is to reflect on what you truly want from this situation. Does your crush on Sally surpass physical attraction and translate into wanting to build a deeper connection? Wanting to date versus wanting to hookup calls for different emotions and different boundaries, so figuring out what you want in that regard is important going into discussion. Sometimes the exciting prospects of something new can overshadow some underlying problems. Do you feel like something is lacking in your relationship with your girlfriend that should be addressed or could be fulfilled in having a relationship with Sally? You said that you and your girlfriend have had really great communication throughout college so far, and it’s essential to keep that line open in this period. Talk to your girlfriend about these feelings, but frame it as something you’ve been thinking and feeling, not necessarily something you have a plan to act on. This helps keep the conversation honest and vulnerable, but does not put the pressure on your girlfriend to act any certain way, or make any decisions in that moment. It’s important that you tell your girlfriend that you want to be on the same page, and that you wouldn’t be discussing this if it wasn’t important to you. See how she reacts, and then gauge your next steps from there. If the conversation goes well, discuss potential scenarios, and most importantly, boundaries, so the both of you can continue to feel safe and secure in your relationship.
Before you talk to Sally, it is important to assess her perspective. Does this seem like something she would be interested in? I would approach the situation openly and share that this is something that you have discussed with your partner. Of course, you need to be prepared for any outcome. If either person expresses uncertainty, approach it with curiosity rather than pushing for a definite answer in the moment. If things continue to be pursued, make sure to continue to check in with your partner and Sally, as comfort levels change often, and it is important that everyone still feels fine in the situation, yourself included. Overall, take every step with caution and care, and remember to give yourself space to think and feel without judgment.