By: Gaby Lemouix
We’re already a month into the semester and my guess is that we’re all half-heartedly masturbating while typing up a discussion post that’s due in our next class. Let’s reminisce on a time when the sun shone kindly on our bits and bobs by hearing about last summer’s sexiest dalliances.
This summer, we had sex in some unusual places. An anonymous senior offered their own story of getting busy outdoors for the first time in what some might call an uncommon place. “We started in a hammock, looking at the big dipper, and then started kissin.” A starry night is a romantic setting, but love-making in a hammock invites images of unpleasant and vigorous swinging. The senior confirmed that the sling didn’t provide enough “real estate” for successful interlocking without getting tangled up and flipping over, so they employed a nearby picnic table for more comfortable new positions. This, however, came with its own set of challenges, as they “immediately set off the neighbor’s motion detector” and had to pause mid-thrust and wait for darkness to settle. That’ll knock your AirBnb rating down a couple pegs.
Another senior details high stakes sex with a longtime crush at summer camp: “It was the second night of camp, and my crush stole the key to the infirmary, and had driven into town earlier to buy condoms. We started getting busy in one of the patient rooms and suddenly we heard the door to the infirmary opening and the jingling of the medicine cabinet…I assumed it was the nurse, but my crush said they could tell from the breathing that it was the CAMP DIRECTOR! We stayed dead still and luckily the director left quickly and we thought we were in the clear. When we left the patient room we realized that my crush’s shoes, backpack, walkie talkie, and set of keys were scattered on the floor of the infirmary. My heart dropped. We totally could have lost our jobs and my crush had a full-on panic attack, but luckily the director never brought it up.” When asked whether the escapade was worth it, they said “Oh yes! It’s a great story!”. Remember, campers, to leave no trace in the wild and in the bedroom!
Finally, an anonymous junior told the harrowing tale of a whirlwind summer romance, most of which took place in a bar bathroom. “We already knew each other biblically at this point, and spontaneity struck. Our two friends were engrossed in a conversation at the bar but we were ready to leave, if you know what I mean, so we went to the women’s bathroom and locked the door. I checked under each stall to make sure they weren’t occupied, and then we started going at it full on. Suddenly we heard a massive fart that clearly didn’t come from either of our bodies and I realized there was a woman fighting for her life (in severe gastric distress) in one of the stalls, who literally had her legs pulled up to her chest so that when I was checking the stalls I didn’t see her! My partner and I rapidly pull our clothes on, but as I’m trying desperately to pull up my straight cut denim she opens the stall and we make horrible, heart-wrenchingly embarrassing eye contact. I felt so bad. Not only did this girl have the worst poop of her life, she also heard me getting pounded.” A warning to all bar sexcapades—ALWAYS make sure the bathroom is empty. Otherwise, you might end up in this sticky and rather smelly situation
Holy moly, Loggers, these are some fantastic stories. As we approach fall, perhaps colder weather will keep us confined to our bedrooms, but we can still reminisce on your saucy summer stories. Until next time!