Combat Zone

Board OKs School of Mad Science

FACULTY POSSIBILITIES: Koko the gorilla is under consideration for a distinguished position at the new school.

In a meeting last week, the Board of Directors voted that the planned Department of Health Sciences will include a School of Mad Sciences. The decision was reached after Dr. Walter Von Fitzbeatnick, recently appointed to the board, rolled his ThoughtProcessor 3000 to the middle of the conference room, told everyone it was an “espresso maker” and turned it on.

With a fizzing sound and a series of blinking lights, it processed and replaced their thoughts. For the remainder of the meeting, board members steadfastly drafted plans to integrate a School of Mad Science into Puget Sound’s master plan, though it could not be determined who had thought of it first.

At the meeting’s conclusion, President Thomas announced that budgets for the schools of neuroscience, psychology, exercise science, and physical therapy are to be reduced considerably. “The most economical thing is to just compact them together,” said Thomas, “We’ll have one school: ‘The School of Plebian Science.’”

Fitzbeatnick smiled in the corner, stroking a sick hedgehog which he has used as a test subject for years.  “Mad Science overshadows all other fields of science,” Fitzbeatnick said, “just look at them – a university president, biochemists, physicists, chemical engineers, businessmen, each at the top of his field – and each brought to his knees by an espresso maker.” His maniacal laughter rang over campus, louder than the chapel bells. Deep in a darkened Thomson biology lab, an amoeba cringed in its petri dish.

The curriculum for the School of Mad Science will focus on the works of the great mad scientists: Victor Frankenstein, Dr. Jekyll, Griffin (“The Invisible Man”), and Doctor Death, among others.

“The field of mad science struggles because the greats are often considered failures,” Fitzbeatnick said, “Yes, they failed to conquer nature, or human nature, or they were burned by villagers, or came to possess a conscience. But only after their genius was contaminated by the limits of logic! Therefore, my students will learn to disregard logic entirely.”

In revised budget drafts, The School of Mad Sciences claims the majority of the department’s spending. Considerate funding will be used to hire prestigious faculty. Scholars in consideration for tenured positions include Koko the gorilla, Dr. Kevorkian, and Bill Nye the Science Guy.

Additionally, Fitzbeatnick has demanded a number of miscellanious “necessities”: a giant satellite for the roof of the structure; a shark tank in the basement; a cloning lab, several hundred hedgehogs; a silk cape and goggles for each student; a line of “ENIALATE THE IGNORANT” tee shirts and coffee mugs; a space heater; and a hunchback.

“There is no better assistant to the mad scientist than a hunchback,” Fitzbeatnick said, “They are stooped in such a way that logic flies perfectly over their heads.”

In light of these demands, construction of the new Health Sciences building will be adapted slightly. New plans feature a high electric fence and several towers, to be lit by gloomy candelabras and occasional lightning.

“It is essential that the new building keep our beasts and test subjects from getting out, while preventing hordes of angry villagers from getting in.” Or else, says Von Fitzpatrick, “the two worlds will collide in a most grievous spectacle of horrors, surely a sight only rivaled by the worst Midnight Breakfast.”