Jimmy Kimmel’s Reinstatement Gives Hope to Mediocre White Male Comedians Everywhere Alarming New Report Suggests that Silk Sonic’s Music Insufficient to Curb Falling Birth Rates Pierce County Candidate John McCarthy Could Not Have Picked Worse Last Name to Run For Office National Guard Members Deployed to Portland Immediately Subsumed into Collaborative Resin Art Polycule Pope Leo Threatens to Send Exorcist to White House Following Trump’s War on Chicago Trump Spends Seven Months With Elon Musk; Now Feels Need to Eradicate Autism Due to Research Funding Cuts, We May Never Know...