Combat Zone

Ask the Love Attorney

DEAR LOVE ATTORNEY:

When I asked my friend how to win the affections of my beloved, she told me that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Let me assure you – I am nothing if not an impatient woman with a sharp set of knives. Trusting my friend’s sensibilities with relationships (she’s been married several times), I pursued the idea. I sedated him at dinner with a handful of pills, then brought him back home where I cut open his stomach with a kitchen knife. I looked and looked but I saw no heart, just lots of blood and gooshy fleshy gross stuff. Is there another way to get to the heart?

– Hovering With A Knife In Seattle

DEAR HWAKIS,

Your passion is admirable, but you made a rookie mistake. You must learn proper surgical techniques before pursuing a man’s heart! First of all, the heart is in not in the stomach; it would surely get digested by the strong stomach acids. The heart is located in the left chest cavity–specifically, the Aortal cavity. What kind of knife did you use: paring, steak, santoku, scalpel, filet, pocket? I mean, you can’t just use any knife you want. I recommend a carbon-steel bladed, German Schienhöwer-style blade. But that’s just me.

Now, it doesn’t really matter, because your love is dead. The inconsiderate bastard!

To answer your question: no, there is no other way to a man’s heart.

Love,

The Love Attorney

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