Combat Zone

Ask the Love Attorney

DEAR LOVE ATTORNEY:

I have met a guy who puts the light in my life. His name is Edward, and he is beautiful, charming, elegant, heroic, ambitious, and most of all, he loves and protects me.

We began our affair in 2005 and I only recently found out that Edward is actually a fictional character from the novel Twilight. To find out you have been dating a vampire is one thing, but then to find out he is also fictional upsets me quite a bit.

I feel like Edward and I cannot keep on seeing each other under these new circumstances. What ever should I do?

– Sucked Heart in Minnetonka

DEAR SHIM:

Believe it or not, I actually dated Lady Gaga for several months before I realized she wasn’t a real person, so I know how you feel. In situations where you’ve loved fictional characters, it’s always a good idea to take some time away from them. Read books or see movies that contain male protagonists with different traits (I think Jay Gatsby is a fine choice). If you still feel like you need Edward, but don’t have the ability to cross that inter-dimensional boundary between reality and fiction-world, you should write a book.

Yes, a book detailing all the scandalous sexual exploits of you and Edward. It doesn’t even have to be any good—as long as it has Edward in it—saving people and making sweet Elizabethan-era love.

Love,

The Love Attorney

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