School to replace iconic waterbottles

Combat Zone

By VONNIE KEATSGUTS

Recently, large water bottles were banned from sale on campus, beginning at a later date. You know, the gigantic ones which say Puget Sound on the side. The bottles were introduced in 2008 with the onset of the Great Recession. School officials were unsure if tuition and federal funding would be enough to keep the school afloat, so, following soda manufacturers’ lead, the school embarked on the greatest scam ever: bottling and selling a product they give away for free from every tap, toliet and urinal on campus.
Now, though, we must consider the repercussions of such an action. Trail sources indicate that a coalition of environment-focused student groups were responsible for petitioning the administration to remove the bottles from sale. Our dutiful administration, in its unwavering and only somewhat comically misguided commitment to “being green,” obliged them.
Reactions were mixed. Several students interviewed were distraught at the news, not understanding that smaller sized water bottles will still be available. When corrected, they seemed puzzled. “So … I could just buy three small ones instead of one big one, right?” senior Andy McGarbleton-Fink inquired. “How is that even helpful?”
One of the leaders of the effort, sophomore Mahatma King, Jr. helped to clarify.
“Green, sustainable synergy peace global warming, trees plastic green green sustainable ethanol wind power marijuana Fleet Foxes,” he intoned, through a translucent haze of ganja smoke.
Many students struggle with intentions behind our administration’s “green” policies. One thing that is undoubtedly a deep, luscious green is the campus grass that is watered seemingly constantly, despite the copious amounts of natural rainfall prevalent in Tacoma.  Some unconfirmed reports even seem to indicate the school sprinkler system is feed exclusively with Fiji bottled water.
Also strange, though endlessly remarked upon, were the hundreds of color posters one especially irony-loving administration member cooked up to announce our new policy of “print green.”
Granted, it isn’t a misnomer: it represents the literal printing of extra cash for the school, compliments of the poor souls whose teachers require that they print more than the established tree-saving limit. The water bottle ban, though, is being received with even more confusion than normal.
“Of all the possible things they could have done to reduce our footprint, they chose eliminating big water bottles?” McGarbleton-Fink stated. “Doesn’t this kinda smell like a symbolic act with little practical value, designed as a concession to make sure our environment groups feel super proud of themselves, and throw people off of how very un-green our policies often are?”
It is impossible to know if Mc-Garbleton-Fink is correct. In the meantime, however, students are advised to just buy multiple small water bottles if they are desirous of more H20. It may mean a little less space on your dinner tray, but be consoled in knowing that your courage is saving almost 0.004 percent of a tree.

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