Combat Zone

Conflict arises over Prof. J. Christ’s reserved parking

University of Puget Sound professors were up in arms this week due to the special treatment given to the new theatre department faculty member, Dr. Jesus Christ. Upon his arrival at Puget Sound, Christ was immediately awarded a prized parking spot adjacent to the S.U.B.

“We want to make Dr. Christ feel welcome here,” the hiring department said. It brought in Christ as a replacement for the current head of the theatre department, Dr. Jack Roice, who is retiring at the end of this year.

Despite only being created last Tuesday, the parking spot already has many Puget Sound staff and faculty members in an uproar.

“Look, I hate having to walk all the way to the S.U.B. for the garden tortellini just as much as the next guy, but to think that he is getting such special attention from the university is completely unfair,” a faculty member said. She wished to remain anonymous for fear of eternal damnation.

Other signs of disapproval have already popped up in various other parking spots, with people graffiting messages such as “Thou shalt not covet bitchin’ parking spots,” “Reserved for people who can cup water in their hands” and “WWJD? Why would Jesus drive?”

Of course Dr. Christ is no stranger to controversy or attention, having created multiple media frenzies over the past few thousands of years by having more resurrections than 2pac himself, and even having a movie made about his life, based on Dr. Christ’s own best selling autobiography, the Bible.

The religion department has taken issue with the blatant display of faculty favoritism. “It’s contradictory to everything I’ve heard about this guy,” one student said. “Isn’t he supposed to be all about humility, love and equality?”

Not anymore, according to the Puget Sound administration. The parking space is a symbolic gesture, an effort to support Dr. Christ in his efforts to re-vamp his reputation.

“He doesn’t want holiness to be his ‘thing’ forever,” Dr. Christ’s publicist said. “He’s into other stuff too. Like cars, method acting and performing badass miracles.”

Some faculty members are less concerned about the parking spot specifically and more upset about the future repercussions. “Sure it’s just a parking spot, but that then leads to other special gifts. Next thing you know there will be a building on campus where people can go to worship the man on Sundays. I mean, my God!” Nina Feldman, a current professor at the University of Puget Sound, said. When asked to comment on Ms. Feldman’s quote, Dr. Christ only had the following to say, “No, no, no. God was my father. Please. Call me Jesus.”

After remaining quiet about the controversy for a few months, Dr. Christ finally opened up about it in an exclusive interview with the Puget Sound Trail.

“You think it’s easy being me? If you think you vie for your parent’s approval, try being the son of goddamn God. People think my life has been so great, but I just want some water, man. A dude can only drink so much Jesus wine. And my birthday is on Christmas so I only get presents once a year, and to celebrate my second birthday people go around looking for eggs. Eggs! What does that…I don’t even…” Christ said after giving a long sigh and burying his head in his hands in frustration. “The least I can do is enjoy the benefits of a parking spot.”

Despite all of the uproar surrounding his hiring, Dr. Christ is still currently expected to start teaching classes next year, starting with THTR110: Beginning Acting with a special focus on playing dead.