Combat Zone

New lawn mowers to function as campus-wide alarm clocks

Lawn mower Tim Henson made the statement Wednesday that he and other employees have been directed by the school to mow in the early hours to wake up sleeping students.

“The early lawn mowing hours are carefully designed to improve student attendance,” he said. “We’re trying to annoy the drunk and lazy into attending class.”

It appears the school made the decision after years of confidential research regarding lawn care and campus life. Several documents cited the infamous John Deere experiments of 2007,  suggesting that average college students hate the incessant roar of a lawn mower 50 percent more than the droll melancholy tones of a teacher.

The trend only amplifies for hungover students. Cynthia Marone admitted, “My headaches are worse than the UPS football team, so the classroom provides me a quiet safe haven to rest.”

The administration is standing by their decision, saying attendance has increased.

“We are tired of students being tired,” stated a dorm supervisor. “And I’ve heard the excuse that they can’t afford alarm clocks because they bought books instead. Well the school has decided to provide one for them. Permanently.”

According to Henson, Puget Sound has already sent in orders for twenty new, louder mowers. “The new mowers come with bigger, louder engines designed specifically to penetrate ivy-covered brick walls. We’ve removed the mufflers for that extra loud drone. And of course, they come with the accuracy to cut the grass right near dorm room windows.”

This idea has been so effective, the grounds crew employees have been seen replacing the hourly bells with new lawn mowing tapes.

“We’re going to add an ‘additional mowings’ for each hour,” said one. “And by mowing, of course, we mean it simply be tape recording.” The recording will maintain realism, rising and falling in volume so as not to allow experienced sleepers to zone it out.

Many students are unwilling to accept their new alarm clocks. Opponents find the move ridiculous, angering and humiliating.

“I feel like I’m seven years old again,” stated one angry student. “I have the right to get drunk and not attend my forty thousand dollar activities. It’s my parents’ money and I can spend it however I want.”

Other students have gone as far as mowing the grass in front of their windows the night before to avoid direct contact the next morning.

Yet the issue is not entirely clean cut, as some students remain stubbonrly unaffected. Metal heads continue to oversleep in the morning, associating the grinding noises with their own music.

For now, students will have to confront their rapidly improving attendance directly with ASUPS members and faculty.

Perhaps students can find new ways to avoid class, but for now they may be forced to continue practicing good attendance habits and acing tests.