In a move to go green, Cupid switches from arrows to “bitch slaps”
As the costs and hazards of arrow production continue to climb, few were surprised when Cupid announced Monday that he would begin making the switch to the cleaner, and more environmentally friendly, “bitch slap.” Public response has been fairly positive so far, although early reports suggest that the cherub can still pack quite a wallop, even with his little chubby palms.
The bitch slap, commonly defined as an open-handed slap to the cheek, has been used for centuries across high schools and shopping malls, and usually follows a saucy finger-wag and one of several phrases, including “Oh, no you did not,” “Oh say what now?!” and “Honey, it’s slappin’ time up in here!”
Lovers all across the Northwest were pleasantly surprised to note Cupid, sans bow and arrow this year, and the powerful environmental message appears to be hitting its mark.
“I’ve been getting hit by Cupid’s arrows for years,” Puget Sound senior and expert-lover Dane Shierman said, “and I always remember worrying about where the wood and fletching came from. Was it Fair Trade? Who knows? The bitch slap just makes more sense, and still hurts in all the right ways.”
Although Cupid could not be reached for comment, his secretary Lillian Wilde released a statement to the press earlier in the day, expressing enthusiasm for the new match-making delivery system.
“We could not be more proud,” Wilde said. “This is a change we’ve been trying to implement for years and it’s such a joy to see it come together. We had been getting calls from people concerned that the arrows were not being reused after the initial puncture, and city street cleaning crews had no practical way to recycle them. Eventually, we just had to sit down and ask ourselves, ‘is the arrow really worth it?’ and we all realized what needed to be done.”
Of course, there are still a few Valentine’s Day purists who are sad to see the pointy weapons go the way of the dodo. Although the environmental ramifications of arrow-use weigh heavy on peoples’ hearts, many still find it an important part of the tradition.
“I just miss it, you know?” Puget Sound sophomore Stacy Alston said. “Call me old-fashioned, but sometimes it’s nice to spy a good-looking guy across the quad and then suddenly feel a sharp pain and notice you’ve got a huge arrow stuck in your kidney. Now, whenever I see a cutie, I hear a loud ‘oh bitch, puh-leeze!’ and my cheek stings for a few seconds. Not quite the same thing.”