International V-Day will spice up romance

h, l’amour. In this aviary of lovebirds that we call Puget Sound, the swift approach of Valentine’s Day (Monday, folks) may be both highly anticipated and cause for sickening dread. Undoubtedly, many are speculating frantically about how to utilize this annual opportunity to make someone feel aptly special, to suavely secure a date or even a relationship or to simply get laid.

However, an undeniably large percentage of our undergrad population consists of awkward, bumbling young adults with naught for experience but brief or mishandled experiments in the realm of love, sex and dating. It is likely that many may not feel savvy enough to perform at the peak of their potential this Valentine’s Day.

To prevent disaster, we must draw from traditions and  customs built on centuries of collected wisdom from around the world and concoct a recipe for the ultimate valentine.

In most Asian and African cultures, the best way for a man to say “I love you/you’re beautiful/nice dowry” to his desired mate is to either ask or demand her hand in marriage. The person being offered a lifetime of togetherness may respond with revulsion, begrudged consideration or apathy—take this as an enthusiastic “yes!”

The success rate of this approach is correlated with the suitor’s resources. In Ethiopa, a man is only guaranteed a wife if he builds his own house, stores lots of tobacco and dry coffee leaves and has many cows and goats—therefore, this strategy is best suited to junior and senior Diversions workers majoring in Natural Sciences Biology (swoon!).

If that description does not fit you—yet your heart races at the thought of a glorious dowry—you could try the Kyrgyz approach: literally sweep your beloved off her feet and take her home with you. This tactic of “snatching” is praised by many Kyrgyzians as both easier and cheaper than courtship—what college student these days has $800+ and a cow, not to mention time?

Also, ladies, just in case you have already dabbled in sexuality, in such cultures there is no better way  to say “I’m all yours” than to be chaste. But not to worry—it’s possible that the black market of Egypt still contains now-banned “Artificial Virginity Hymen” kits (around 30 USD) that bleed upon penetration.

Letting your partner mistake know-how for passionate instinct may be the best backhanded Valentine’s Day gift you can give.

However, as opposed to fake virginity, it may be more pleasurable and cost-effective for both you and your valentine to heed the words of Plato and invoke Greek concept of “eros”; sensual desire and longing that, with time, becomes appreciation of the beauty within the object in question. Eros literally translates to “love of the body.” Go Greek and love that body.

If you’re too ingrained in our modern country’s blasphemous, politically correct, attention-deficit-afflicted ways and therefore prefer not to force commitment upon that special someone or commit yourself—or lack resources or dowry—don’t fret! Other customs may be more suitable for your current pursuit.

In modern-day China, for example, dating has become increasingly complicated because of the modern young woman’s devotion to academics. Smitten students cope by studying together, which shows mutual understanding of ambition and ensures regular quality time.

As this scholarly passion builds up, the Chinese will give signs of love and romantic notions by doing “small caring things,” such as pouring a glass of water or giving piggy-back rides. Try both at once!

In India, it is common for “love marriages” to occur based on mutual passion alone and not the significance of dowry or resources (though it is possible to hire a private detective to investigate these features). If you’ve got personality but are too nervous to show it, try the Japanese approach: write a resumé about all your great qualities, values and dreams and give it to your valentine for careful review.

In Germanic countries including Switzerland and Austria, often dates consist of going to festivals, carnivals or concerts, an easy thing to find in the Seattle area. There are also love parades that allow people to come from all over and express their fondness for one another. Dancing together is a tradition of romance in this region that dates back past the days of St. Valentine himself. You could also just speak perfect French, Spanish or Italian, languages renowned for their pupil-dilating sex appeal.

If you’ve really got the nerves, perhaps Australia’s newly forming dating customs will be most conducive to executing your desires. A recent study revealed that 50 percent of Australians find it acceptable to be asked out on a date via text. Too shy to go out on an actual date? Simply engage in what the Australians call “flirtexting”—you can figure that one out.

Now that we’ve examined how several established societies handle the complex subject of dating, we can synthesize from their combined knowledge the ultimate way to one-up Cupid.

This Sunday, offer to study with your prospective sweetheart. Offer them the choice of “freshly procured” milk and sensually pour it into a glass for them. Turn on some French or Italian music and mention offhandedly an upcoming concert and your love of “the dance.”

After your valentine leaves, send a “flirtext” that contains your resume and let your valentine dream of you. Hire a private investigator to find out when they’re finished with class the next day. Come Monday at that time, surprise your valentine with a love parade abundant in goats and cows and shout your resume from memory in perfect Spanish.

Finally, sweep your valentine off their feet without asking and give them a piggy-back ride back to their house. Invoke “eros” all night long and then propose via text message. It is fool-proof.

Good luck this Monday, young lovebirds. With the guidance of many different perspectives based on centuries of refining the expression of love, this could be the Valentine’s Day that your darling never forgets. Remember, no pressure.