By Bean McQueen and Pagliaccio
Gorilla. Lately, we have been pissed. Seems like sheep in the United States — oh, sorry, people — have an attention span of about, I don’t know, two to seven milliseconds. Oh, and by the way, did you remember the gorilla?
Didn’t think so.
Instead of helping the public rise to our standards, we have stooped to the lowly lows of the Philistines. Here you have some short tidbits — blasts, if you will — in order to feed that sick, sick, side of you who picked up this newspaper and thought, “What the hell is this?”
So enjoy. Maybe by reading a little bit — emphasis on little — you, too, will be able to be smart and cool, like us.
~ Outdoors ~
Stewards of the community garden introduce Community Garden Winter©: Community frozen mud pit
Avid campus gardeners will be relieved to know that while the season of fresh produce is coming to an end, their fun at the community garden doesn’t have to. The creators of the community garden are now introducing Community Garden Winter©.
“It’s cold, slippery, and a whole lot of fun,” mud pit designer Brigly Boot said. “It should bring out the child in anyone who visits. At the very least, it will bring out their icy, filthy, possibly bruised self.”
Local frozen mud pit enthusiast Allen Goblet was very excited about this new community resource.
“In my hometown, there was an empty lot down the street where construction had started on a house, but was cancelled because the owners gambled away all their money. You could just get in there. I’m hoping this will be kind of like that,” Goblet said.
Visitors to Community Garden Winter© are advised to wear lots of warm layers, boots, and a helmet. All visitors are required to sign a waiver.
Life-changing adventure in Point Defiance enough to temporarily silence voices in head saying, ‘What are we doing?’
A mounting wave of self-doubt and disillusionment was calmed for approximately two weeks by an inspiring group trip to Point Defiance. Four students spent 45 minutes looking out over the Sound before getting too cold and driving back to campus.
“We should do this kind of stuff more often,” one student said. The comment inspired a round of affirmation within the car, including claims that “This was so spontaneous” and “I think we’ll be friends forever.”
At press time, the voices were murmuring again.
~ Opinions ~
Mom, what happens when we graduate?
I’ve been hearing scary things from the kids at school. Tommy says his parents tell him that we go to Seattle when we graduate. Jenna says you stay on campus till your soul finds rest. Lacey says that your college personality is picked up by a freshmen who inhabits it until they, too, graduate and the cycle continues.
Frank says we become worm food.
~ Lifestyle ~
Party experts release report indicating that maybe if all these small themed parties combine, they could be one really good party
A long-awaited report on nightlife improvement was released by party experts indicating that if all of the small, highly niche-themed parties combined into one, you could really have something there.
“On a given weekend night, there are three separate denim-themed parties within an eight-block radius,” party expert Devin Chope said. “What if we could bring those together and have one big party of people wearing denim? Would that then make that theme fun? We don’t know. But we’d like someone to try.”
Critics of the report have pointed out how if the parties combine, then amateur DJs are going to have to compete for the opportunity to control the music.
“I don’t care about that,” said the party experts in unison.
Girl labels herself ‘mom of the group’; all friends grow to resent her
“Does anyone have any Saltines? Chelsea really isn’t doing well,” called a voice at the party, cutting over the music. It turned out to be Merrie Westin, a senior who considers herself to be the “mom” of her friend group.
“I love being everyone’s go-to for Aspirin, advice, or a ride. Where do you think you’re going, missy?” Westin said, seeing a housemate try to leave surreptitiously.
“She asks me where I’m going, refers to me by my first and middle name, and scoffs and sighs whenever I’m not perfect,” Stacy Jacobson, a friend of Westin’s, said. “When I first met Merrie, we were so close, hanging out all the time; I was super dependent on her. But now after three years, I see that she’s just a person, y’know?” Jacobson continued.
Westin barged into Jacobson’s room during the interview, asking, “Can you please finish those thank you cards? And — are you going to school dressed like that?”
~ News ~
New work-study positions announced for next semester
Junie Buelah, assistant career inventor at CES, listed the following as
new additions to the roster of options:
A lounge singer who lays on the piano outside Diversions.
Uniform: Red velvet dress with a long slit
Humble, disheveled bell ringer to pull the ropes on the half-hour.
Uniform: Burlap sack
Pay: A pittance
Basketball scout in the Thompson Courtyard
Uniform: Black visor, sunglasses and clipboard