Combat Zone

November Horoscopes

Scorpio:  Oct 23 – Nov 21

You are deaf to your friends’ attempts to communicate. Hint: Take off the headphones.

Sagittarius:  Nov 22 – Dec 21

You will either have a terrible dream or a terrible day. Regardless, getting someone to slap you only makes it worse.

Capricorn:  Dec 22 – Jan 19

With the rings of Saturn spinning, everyone gets better-looking when you are drunk—except for you.

Aquarius:  Jan 20 – Feb 18

If you keep making faces at that bitchy girl behind her back, your face will stay that way, and she will have even more reason to make fun of you.

Pisces:  Feb 19 – Mar 20

Mars warns not to buy the bargain cheese.

Aries: Mar 21 – Apr 19

When you force jelly with peanut butter as often as you do, it is inevitable that the jelly will make her escape through the porous bread, rendering your sandwich soggy and sad. Try buying lunch this week.

Taurus: Apr 20 – May 20

The day you skip class is the day the professor brings Krispy Kremes. Sleepy Mars apologizes.

Gemini: May 21 – Jun 20

Be cautious of chatrooms this month. As you gaze into BieberwifeorDIE’s winkyface eye,  just know: Bieber Fever is very contagious and she would kill you if it meant she could marry Bieber.

Cancer: Jun 21 – Jul 22

No Shave November is really only a good idea for males. And it’s not really a good idea for them either.

Leo: Jul 23 – Aug 22

Money won’t fill the empty, bleak spaces you try to fill with daytime television. But it can buy other things, like more channels for daytime television! And a subscription to CatFancy Magazine! Just $19.99 for a whole year!

Virgo: Aug 23 – Sep 22

When you wish upon a star, you are acting like a melodramatic douchebag.

Libra:  Sep 23 – Oct 22

Your vegetarianism is shaken to its core when a cow kicks you in teeth. Your first impulse is to have revenge and eat meat, but for this you would need teeth.