Scorpio: Oct 23 – Nov 21
You are deaf to your friends’ attempts to communicate. Hint: Take off the headphones.
Sagittarius: Nov 22 – Dec 21
You will either have a terrible dream or a terrible day. Regardless, getting someone to slap you only makes it worse.
Capricorn: Dec 22 – Jan 19
With the rings of Saturn spinning, everyone gets better-looking when you are drunk—except for you.
Aquarius: Jan 20 – Feb 18
If you keep making faces at that bitchy girl behind her back, your face will stay that way, and she will have even more reason to make fun of you.
Pisces: Feb 19 – Mar 20
Mars warns not to buy the bargain cheese.
Aries: Mar 21 – Apr 19
When you force jelly with peanut butter as often as you do, it is inevitable that the jelly will make her escape through the porous bread, rendering your sandwich soggy and sad. Try buying lunch this week.
Taurus: Apr 20 – May 20
The day you skip class is the day the professor brings Krispy Kremes. Sleepy Mars apologizes.
Gemini: May 21 – Jun 20
Be cautious of chatrooms this month. As you gaze into BieberwifeorDIE’s winkyface eye, just know: Bieber Fever is very contagious and she would kill you if it meant she could marry Bieber.
Cancer: Jun 21 – Jul 22
No Shave November is really only a good idea for males. And it’s not really a good idea for them either.
Leo: Jul 23 – Aug 22
Money won’t fill the empty, bleak spaces you try to fill with daytime television. But it can buy other things, like more channels for daytime television! And a subscription to CatFancy Magazine! Just $19.99 for a whole year!
Virgo: Aug 23 – Sep 22
When you wish upon a star, you are acting like a melodramatic douchebag.
Libra: Sep 23 – Oct 22
Your vegetarianism is shaken to its core when a cow kicks you in teeth. Your first impulse is to have revenge and eat meat, but for this you would need teeth.