Combat Zone

Gingers spark “Red Scare”

Students and staff of Puget Sound are breaking out their tinfoil hats and preparing for defense, for at all times one of two things is probably true: they are in close proximity with a redheaded individual, or themselves bear the mark of fear.

As the university becomes progressively more distinguished among liberal arts schools, and recruitment is on the rise, many have noted a dramatic increase in the percentage of redheads choosing to attend Puget Sound. The presence of such “gingers” is highly disproportional to that of the nation as a whole and comparable only to those of Scotland and Ireland. This surge of sanguinity has brought anything but cheer to the rest of the Puget Sound populace, who regard these newcomers with high levels of suspicion and paranoia.

Affectionately dubbed the “Red Scare,” terror is rampant across campus. Public outbreaks of panic have occurred on two occasions since the start of the school year. In the first, three redheads were seen in a group outside of Schneebeck (the American military officially deems three or more to be “an irresistibly seductive force”), and another when an unknown civilian cried “FIRE!” upon entering the SUB during lunch hours and seeing several gingers mingling among blonde and brunette masses.

Tension is so high that the formation of a student-run “anti-ginger-gration” organization is being discussed, as is a “Scarlet Embassy” for those red-weaved persons who feel uncomfortable being regarded with narrowed eyes and gaping mouths. However, Multicultural Student Services has publicly proclaimed that the Red Scare is “an intolerable and unreasonable demonstration of prejudice with medieval roots,” and has offered itself as a safe haven for students of all hair color and structure to congregate peacefully.

Conspiracy theories concerning the large influx of gingers at Puget Sound include: Argonian invasion; an undercover operation by the Irish government; an attempt to form the world’s largest “Scot Village”; and a desperate breeding program to ensure the continuation of the dying gene that manifests itself as red locks.

Though none of these theories appear to be grounded in logic, superstition remains prevalent throughout the student community. The testimony of one student alleges that he “looked a redhead in the eyes, just to see what would happen…as her gaze pierced mine, it felt like my soul was stolen away and replaced by sugar and lust.”

Efforts by scarlet-scalped freshmen to assimilate to their hostile surroundings are proving to be marginally effective as the year goes on. An anonymous redhead submitted the following statement on behalf of all gingers: “We may not have souls, but we still have feelings.”