Crafty Connie’s hints for your alternative spring break

Your domestic dilemma: Crafty Connie, I need an arts and crafts project for spring break, or else I’ll die of loneliness and boredom!

Crafty Connie’s solution:

Arts and crafts are a great way to pass the time! In fact, they are better than sitting around and waiting to die until you light your hair on fire with that mini-blowtorch! You can use them to decorate your home, so people can realize how artsy and crafty and quirky you are! In this week’s article, I’ll detail three arts and crafts projects that can keep everyone happy, from beginners to experts. Remember, the only difference between beginner and expert arts and crafts is the ability to totally underestimate your own limitations, or about three beers for you lightweights.

Beginner-level arts and crafts: The beer pong table and the beer-amid. The handbuilt drinking table is a staple of college life. To build a great beer pong table, only one thing is necessary: the desire to bro out rather than go out. No carpentry skills required. Simply go to the store, buy the cheapest assortment of lumber possible and some nails, and hammer it together into the weakest semblance of a flat surface.  Beer pong tables operate by a unique set of physics which does not apply to other furniture. To wit: No beer pong table is ever completely solid, and no beer-pong table will ever fall over. They may become more and more wobbly as they get older, but old beer pong tables don’t die, bro. They just become really chill end tables.

Once you slap up your drinking surface, put the cans of crappy beer you drink into a pyramid in the center. Look, a beginner craft project, and you are already emulating one of the wonders of the world! Neat-o.

Intermediate-level arts and crafts: potato guns, paper airplanes, sock puppets, pet rocks, pet sticks, pet forest animals, model rockets/cars/ships/planes/houses/pretty much model anything, crappy pottery, knitted hats and scarves and mittens and mufflers and body bags, crocheted things, bracelets, anything involving plastic beads, marble sculpture, soap carving, whittling, anything with felt, anything with googly eyes, papier mache, wicker weaving, basket weaving, molotov cocktails, watercolors, origami, cardboard forts, pillow forts, tree forts (place candy inside as bait), pinewood derby cars, egg painting, anything with glitter or sparkles, mobiles, “steampunk” anything, chainsaw carving, beer-can airplanes, crappy taxidermy, chandelier-making, birdhouses, fly-tying, scrap booking.

Expert-level arts and crafts: Any of the above, plus hot glue. The only reason this horrific substance is not banned by the Geneva convention is because hot glue hadn’t been invented in 1928. The law has yet to catch up. We willingly allow children to use this substance, pretending that it will somehow enrich their little crafty lives through the immeasurable suffering of melting fingertips.

We all know from Fight Club that human tissues make great soap. Hot glue helped us to learn that our epidermis can achieve a great tackiness when mixed with carcinogens and heated to the temperature of lava. Hot glue is not f-ing around, if you know what I’m s-ing. If you do choose to incorporate hot glue into your crafts, God be with you. I can only watch and scream little sympathetic screams of agony with you.