Connie’s comprehensive snowpocalypse survival guide
Crafty Connie’s solution: Snow days are excellent… for the first day. By the second, you may be running low on key supplies, such as beer, wine, whiskey, and fresh milk. Did I mention beer? Anyways, don’t despair. The following list of activities should keep you well-entertained until the weather relents (unlikely) or the world ends (highly plausible).
Drunken sledding: Quietly leave the SUB with as many trays as you can carry. Act like you own them, because you do, sort of. At $2/ tray, each one you take will drive up collective tuition for the next year by approximately $0.000000003 (I actually calculated this). So liberate freely, future hill-slider. Next, find something that looks like a hill, while you still have a sense of balance. Proceed to shred the gnar. Post “shredding the gnar” on Facebook.
Drunken urban skiing/ snowboarding: If you understood the phrase “shred the gnar,” this means you are a true “soul brudda” of the slopes. You probably snowboard “at least once a year.” Snow days for you mean that instead of impressing the ladies/dudes with the board in the corner of your dorm room, your “sick skills” can impress them from that sorta steep corner of Todd Field. Bring your goggles, and wear them anywhere but over your eyes. This shows how “hardcore” you are. Post on Facebook about the “blower pow turns.”
Drunken snowperson building: This is a true original, guaranteed to make you and your yard stand out from the other 23893478 yards with snow-people in them. First, roll a big-ass snowball. Next, roll a medium-ass snowball, and stick it on top. Stick a little-ass snowball on top of that. You have now created a lovely snowperson, whose life is yours to dictate. You can chose to: A) Write an artistic manifesto on the ephemeral nature of creation, existence, and decay or B) Immediately chop your snow-person to pieces with a shovel. Post “I am become Death, destroyer of worlds” on Facebook.
Drunken drinking: A snow-day classic. Mix some drinking in with your drunk so you can get drunker while drinking. The longer the snow days go on, the more “bender points” you get. If you become sober, your points reset to zero. No one likes a loser. If you can still Facebook, you are too sober.
Bidrunkathalon: Similar to biathalon, in that it involves cross-country skiing. Shotgun beers, not targets. Do not bring actual firearms, unless you have good aim while drunk. Do not post on facebook unless you kill a small animal.
Sober driving around: HA! I strongly advise against driving, unless you have a serious medical emergency or you run out of beer. Post “Seattle drivers suck!” on facebook, while driving.
Sober calling your mother: She thinks you are dead. Call her soon!