So your relationship has gone through the ringer and is finally kaput, donzo, finit. Are you pissed? Inconsolable? Feeling blissfully free? With your free hand (you know, the one not permanently attached to a tissue box), take this quiz to find your perfect break up anthem.
Question 1. Not to pry, but why did you breakup in the first place?
A. Obviously because all men are terrible, terrible human beings.
B. All her yelling, yelling, yelling!
C. You know, I don’t really care because it feels effing great to be rid of him!
D. I don’t know! THIS IS THE WORST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME! DO YOU HEAR ME?? THE WORST THING!
Question 2. What have you been doing since the big split?
A. Writing angry poetry, Anne Sexton style.
B. Thinking continuously about how awful she was to me.
C. Dancing, going out to parties, livin’ the life.
D. Trying to teach myself guitar and, y’know… crying a lot. A lot.
Question 3. Any future prospects?
A. Yeah, but I’ll probably just stick to women from now on. I’m done with those chauvinist pigs!
B. Maybe, but I need time to heal.
C. Ohhh yeah! Loads! There’s lots of fish in the sea and I plan on getting to know each and every one of them.
D. How can you even say that?! He was the only one I’ll ever love and I’ll never, ever get over him! Aaaagghhhhh!
Question 4. Okay, so suddenly we’re in Eat, Pray, Love and you’re in a foreign country trying to soothe your sorrows. Where are you?
A. Rome. I love looking at the Coliseum and thinking of him getting ripped to shreds by tigers.
B. Amsterdam. After visiting eight cafes today, I feel loads better.
C. Barcelona, en la discoteca!
D. Great Britain, walking around crumbling castles and old cemeteries. Only the dead know how badly I feel.
Here are your results!
If you picked mostly A’s, your breakup theme song is Get Gone by Fiona Apple: “It’s time the truth was out / that he don’t give a shit about me.” You’re angry, we get it! He was a complete scumbag and you’re much better off without him. But for the love of god, take a deep breath and let it go!
If you picked mostly B’s, your breakup theme song is Blue Monday ’88 by New Order: “How does it feel / to treat me like you do?” Sure, she was pretty mean to you towards the end, but maybe you deserved it. After all, you did scratch her copy of The Breakfast Club and unravel her Cyndi Lauper tape cassette.
If you picked mostly C’s, your breakup theme song is Breakin’ Up by Rilo Kiley. “It’s not as if New York City burned down to the ground / Once you drove away / …Ooh it feels good to be free!” Slow down, honey! I get that you’re relieved to be done with that whole cluster-thing, but don’t forget to use protection!
If you picked mostly D’s, your breakup theme song is Waltz #2 by Elliott Smith. “I’m never gonna know you now / But I’m gonna love you anyhow.” You really, really need to get it together, you sad sack. They didn’t love you back and that’s that. Maybe try online dating? Or knitting?
[PHOTO COURTESY/DAVID PENDLETON]