By Orlando Quezada
One of the many responsibilities of being a journalist is conducting important research on pressing topics. Doing our due diligence as prominent investigators, the editorial board of The Trail once again took on the task of reviewing various sex shop treats. In our taste-testing experience, we found some of the treats fell short of excitement, while others left our mouths watering. Purchased at Lovers, a sex shop located on Tacoma Mall Blvd., these treats all have one common purpose: to elevate your sexual experience.
Hott Products Unlimited’s Candy Love Ring is visually similar to the Smarties necklace you’d receive on Valentine’s Day. But these love rings don’t wrap around your neck; they are intended to slide onto your partner’s penis or strap-on. Coming in a pack of three cock rings, the beaded candies are strung on an elastic thread. The package says “One Size Fits Most,” which one of our team members tested by wrapping it around their wrist with little struggle. However, the more you stretch the string, the more gaps there are between the candies, which didn’t look so sexy. Some noted that the taste was better than your average candy bracelet. As for functionality, we couldn’t imagine biting them off during moments of passion. Unless you’re someone purposefully wanting to chomp down during oral, then these aren’t the treats for you.
Another Hott Products Unlimited treat left us with one simple question: who is actually going to use these? Gum Job is a retainer-shaped gummy meant to be placed on your upper and lower teeth. One of our section editors noted that the product gave major “lacrosse vibes.” If your goal is to engage in fellatio with an athletic aesthetic, then perhaps consider these for your next sexual experiment. Offered as a pack of three flavors, the team tried Cheeky Cherry, Sexy Strawberry and Wild Watermelon. The general consensus, at best, was less provocative than the flavor names. With disappointingly mild tasting notes, the gummies are thick, with a rubbery texture. They’re used to enhance blow-jobs in hopes that a mix of saliva and passion would activate the flavors, but we weren’t so optimistic. Given the thickness of the gummy, we couldn’t help but wonder how else you’d be able to fit anything else in your mouth.
There’s something seductive about Rock Candy’s packaging. First, its logo appears as a pair of luscious lips wrapped around a lollipop. Second, the tagline “Explosive Sexy Candy” felt enticing enough to bring in for the review. This treat was advertised as Poppin’ Rock Candy, the package daring you to “Experience the snapping, crackling, and popping made for a mouth-watering experience! Perfect for mouths that don’t just talk dirty.” Think Pop Rocks with a sexier twist. The flavors we tried were Watermelon Suga, Tropical Mango Tango and Sparkling Grape. Of the treats we tried, the Pop Rocks flavors stood out the most, landing somewhere between mild and not too sweet. Meant to be used while giving a blow-job, the idea seems thrilling, but some couldn’t fathom the feeling of Pop Rocks against genitals. As the rocks popped in our mouths, a common thought noted was “When does it get sexy?” However, some of us thought it could be a fun experiment.
Last but not least is a treat that left our mouths wet! Despite not being explicitly advertised for sex, Flintts Mints came out as the top treat. Its purpose is straightforward: “Dry mouth sucks. Flintts Mints make your mouth water,” exclaims its packaging. Once placed on the tongue, we noticed how fast they worked. Starting off smoothly, the mint activates the salivary glands. Noticeable as a mild buzzing sensation, it was nothing to be alarmed over. Before fully dissolving, the mints left our mouths quenched. The Spilanthes flower, native to the Amazon, is a plant that helps to induce the salivating effect. Measured on a scale of “F-Strength 100 to F-Strength 300.” We tried Sour Tangerine, which sits at F-175, which is considerably mild to start with. Although the flavor tasted medically orange, we did find that the product gave us a positive tasting experience. While we wouldn’t eat them on their own, these mints would certainly come in handy when navigating the driest makeout sessions known to humankind.
Not all treats left a positive impression on us, but the ones that did felt like a true delight; mixing flavorful treats with sex seems worth pursuing. If you want to add some sweet excitement to your next sexual venture, give some of these products a try — especially with Halloween around the corner.