Recently, my girlfriend went to a party with a group of her friends. I had to study for a test and could not go. At the party she got very drunk and ended up sleeping with another guy. She told me about this the next day, but only after I had heard the story from someone else and had confronted her with the question of “what happened at last night’s party.” Obviously I was very upset but she countered by saying it was because she was drunk and that she never would have done so normally, while acting like I was unreasonable for being angry about it. On top of that, I’ve heard that she had been pretty friendly and flirty with this guy even before getting super drunk. I still care about her very much, but this incident and her unburdened attitude seriously makes me question our relationship. Am I actually being unreasonable? Should I forgive or dump her? What other advice can you provide?
Sincerely, BallroomBlitz
Dear BallroomBlitz,
Your girlfriend clearly felt a lot of guilt on her part, as she told you about her actions, but as the saying goes, drunk actions are sober thoughts. Her flirtation with others pre-intoxication does not bode well for her trust-wise, especially since she only confessed to you after confrontation. I don’t think you are unreasonable for expressing your frustration in this situation. You were cheated on, and without your confrontation, potentially lied to… Obviously, I do not know the particular ins-and-outs of your relationship, but I assume, based on your reaction, that this was a major boundary-cross (rightfully so, I must add). I think forgiving or dumping cannot be decided on advice alone; I want to emphasize that society often encourages people to dump their partners (I personally am also an advocate for break ups) — however, the only person who knows your situation is you. If you decide to stay together, you have to know that it will definitely be harder to rebuild a foundation of trust. You might internally (or externally) hold a lot of resentment toward her, which will not feel good for either of you. Your questions regarding your girlfriend’s “unburdened attitude” makes me think that you are inclined towards a break up which, of course, is a big decision. It’s easy to get caught up in the whimsy and mystique of romance, but I would dwell on what you’re looking for and ask yourself if putting in the repair work is worth it. Expending all of the mental energy into repairing a betrayal within a relationship can be very mentally taxing, and I’d hate for you to sink deeper and deeper into a pit of a relationship. Dramatic, I know, but the longer you are together, the harder it may be to break up. Only you know your situation — do what you need to do, however the signs point to breaking up.