By Emmet O’Connor
It’s been a tough month. We’re declining into fascism, it’s cold outside, my vegetables went bad and, most importantly, I lost all my money on the Paul-Tyson fight! Of course, my failures in gambling are my fault and I must own up to that. But still, I’m pissed. I didn’t know who the Paul brothers were until the night of the fight and, whoops, I got them mixed up. I put all the money in my bank account, including rent, grocery money and contemporary rubber ducks on Logan Paul winning the match, so imagine my surprise when Jake Paul turned out to be the one in the ring.
I had never heard of these YouTube brothers before, but I liked the name Paul because of the movie “Paul” (2011), one of my favorites. “Paul” is a comedy sci-fi movie starring Simon Pegg, Nick Frost and Seth Rogen — who plays the titular wise-cracking, foul-mouthed alien Paul. The film is a riot if you ask me, and I have many fond memories of watching it with my Pop-Pop while sitting on his knee.
My eyes had been covered by “Paul” (2011) tinted glasses and I was mainly thinking about my favorite film while placing my bet. Being distracted at the time, I accidentally put my entire balance — down to the cent — on Logan Paul winning with a knockout in the first round. Despite only just learning who Logan Paul was, I had a feeling that he was a good boxer due to his dense cranium.
I knew who Mike Tyson was through his acting career, and was surprised to discover he was also a boxer. Specifically, I knew Tyson as the character Se Stesso from the 2009 comedy film “The Hangover.” This movie is another favorite of mine, and Tyson does a great job in the film. I honestly care way more about late 2000s comedy films than boxing, but I was in need of the money and wanted to get into gambling generally.
When both Paul brothers pulled up in that hideous green car I was concerned because Jake Paul was the one wearing the boxing gloves. I held out hope that he would hand them over to Logan at the last minute but was sorely disappointed when the announcer shouted “JAKE PAUL!”
At this point, I had mostly accepted that my bet was lost … but there was a part of me deep down that hoped that Logan Paul would come out and knock Mike Tyson out in the last round so I could get my money. But that didn’t happen, so I turned the fight off and put on “Paul” (2011). Seth Rogen’s antics helped me get over how upset I was about the fight.
I would also like to use this as a forum to apologize to my roommates because I no longer have the money for rent this month and will be moving out on the sixth. Maybe I’ll just stick to the comedy movies.