Combat Zone

Olympic Committee In Talks to Add Pan-Hellenic Events to 2028 Games

By Molly Clement

 As the 2024 Summer Olympics have come to an end, the Olympic Committee has been reviewing the idea of new sports and events to be added into the 2028 Olympic Games. One of the top contenders is allowing fraternities to compete independently from their country. This means that our very own Sigma Chi, Phi Delta Theta and Sigma Alpha Epsilon will be competing against each other in four years. With the potential of competition, our frats are evidently already hard at work training for the upcoming competition. 

  The Olympic Committee has released a tentative list of what the lineup of events will be for this competition. The first event is slated to be the  beer pong competition, and this would be played with Olympic-regulation red solo cups, sold in sleeves of 50 at most major retailers. Crucially, this would take place after the conclusion of the ping pong event so that the tables would be available to get sticky. After the tables are suitably sticky like the brothers are accustomed to, the next event is planned to be beer die. It is essential for the next events in this series that every participant is as inebriated as possible. The next event would take place in more of a debate or spelling bee type of setting, which would be a new concept to the Olympics but essential to the spirit of Greek (Life) athletics. Each athlete would have only one timed attempt at reciting their fraternal pledge, and the fastest and most accurate to do so would get a point for this round. 

  The next event would be a cooking contest, and all of the ingredients would range only from beige to white foods, so as to not disrupt the athletes’ typical diets (such as rice, bread, flour, chicken etc.). The Olympians will also have the option to make frozen food such as pizza rolls or Bagel Bites, although this will likely make the competition more difficult. As part of this event, the competitors would have to use the largest number of dishes possible, get them as dirty as they can, and leave the most in the sink: the faster they mold, the better. After completely trashing the Olympic kitchen, they can eat their nutritionless meal. 

  Once they had been fueled and sobered up, it would be time for bed. This helps to ensure the frat brothers are actually taking care of themselves, and leads into the next competition: whichever athlete can sleep the longest will take the win in this round. The way they are actively training for this is by sleeping through their classes here at the University of Puget Sound, and word from the professors monitoring their attendance is that their training is going tremendously. As the public has gotten word of this new Olympic competition, they have started mobbing these soon-to-be Olympic celebrities in an attempt to claim to have “discovered them.” We are all excitedly awaiting to see their reaction to the upcoming presidential election!