Combat Zone

Why I’m Transferring to Pacific Lutheran University (Again)

By Grizz T. Logger

The Combat Zone is intended as a satirical work. The views and opinions expressed by the Combat Zone do not necessarily reflect those of the Puget Sound Trail, ASUPS, concerned parties or the University of Puget Sound. Please submit compliments or complaints in the form of letters to the editor. 

  I really mean it this time. I meant it last time too, a year ago, but now the time is right. Along with the class of 2024, I will soon be gone. Originally, I intended to leave because PLU would give me the freedom to be more than a mascot trapped in the same flannel and jeans year after year … At least, that’s the official reason, and I definitely don’t want to leave because my plug is graduating, leaving me dry but not high. The fact that I was busted with a fake I.D. at Mary Mart and have been unable to return since, even after donning a fake mustache and switching my beanie for a fedora, did not contribute to my decision to transfer, either. That said, while I have this soapbox: if any of you know a plug at PLU, a PLUg if you will, please let me know! The quickest way to reach me is through, please convey any information you have about PLUgs through that channel.

  Establishing cart continuity aside, my reasons for leaving are more personal than I let on in my previous article. In fact, one concerns a girl. Her name was Grizzelda, and I met her in the pit of a house show. It was the start of something special. A three week situationship – because I had just enough time to do everything requisite to a relationship, but not enough time to put labels on things, you know what I mean? Unfortunately, it collapsed around me when she wised up around the end of fall semester. Then, I found out that we not only registered for the same four classes this semester, but also worked concurrent shifts at Lillis: I see her seven days a week and I must escape this purgatory. At PLU, I will finally be free of the incestuous dating pool that we all swim in whether we want to or not.

  I do have a broader personal reason for transferring to PLU as well. Much like a first-year friend group, I think we’ve grown apart: the University of Puget Sound and myself. There’s an undeniable gulf between us, and I find myself increasingly unable to defend the institution I once loved. It’s not that the administration has changed meaningfully, moreso that the liberal arts education I somehow received between Mission Thrift runs and BORG parties finally took root. You might be expecting me to parlay this into a bit about the increasing gentrification of campus, culminating with the proposed renovation of the SUB, but I don’t eat at the SUB anyway. This is about the administration’s refusal to meaningfully engage with student protestors, vilifying them for actually applying the benefits of a liberal arts education and questioning the systems that surround them. I know a thing or two about being vilified – I’m an apex predator perpetually holding an ax – but Puget Sound continues to reach new heights of incompetent malevolence.

  Hiring an outside legal team to prosecute students is one thing, but cheaping out and hiring a legal team that proposes providing opportunities to learn about “the legal framework associated with civil disobedience and protests” is astounding. Correct me if I’m wrong, is civil disobedience not only inherently illegal, but used to protest legal frameworks? And to DWT, correct me further if I’m wrong, is it true that comparing a student protest you knew was going to happen to January 6th belies your objectivity as lawyers? And lastly, can you verify that you get a misshapen erotic pleasure out of being a dick to people with a moral backbone?

  This would all be bad enough without the best graduating class in my time on campus finally graduating, but the Class of 2024 is getting out at the right time – and I would be remiss not to join them. My faith in this campus may be dwindling, but my faith in these seniors is unshakeable. It’s been the honor of a lifetime to watch you adapt and mature from high school seniors being forced to take a picture with me, and I am so proud of all of you. If you’re ever in the PLU area, don’t be a stranger: ask for Grizz T. Lute.