Going the Distance: How to Maintain a Long-Distance Relationship (Romantic or Platonic)
By Kaya Heimowitz
The most common piece of advice anyone will give about maintaining a relationship is “communication is key.” It is perhaps overstated, but it is undeniably true and especially accurate for long-distance relationships. Being away from someone you love is hard, and it is easier to feel anxious about the state of your relationship when you aren’t physically around them.
The first thing you should do with a long-distance friend or partner is decide how often and in what ways you want to communicate. There are approximately 8 billion people worldwide, meaning there are roughly 8 billion different preferred ways to communicate. I have one friend I message whenever I want, and I know she will respond all at once, usually once a month, and give me updates. We’ll chat at the same time for a bit, then the cycle repeats, and it’s what works best for us. I have another friend I message almost daily, which mainly involves a mix of big and small life updates, sending each other our outfits of the day, a ridiculous amount of TikToks and sharing juicy gossip. I have another friend whom we’ve figured out that the best way for us to maintain our friendship is to send each other interesting articles and book recommendations and then discuss them together, as well as voice memos every couple of days on topics ranging from our love lives, school, long-form essays, romance novels, or spirituality (with the understanding that it is okay if it takes a few days to respond to a voice memo). My point is, decide what platform(s) you’re going to use to communicate (iMessage, Line, WhatsApp, WeChat, Instagram DMs, FaceTime, Skype, etc), then figure out how often you’re going to communicate (every day, once a week, spontaneously).
It is a good idea to figure out what type of consistency works best with your schedules and time difference (if there is one). If it’s a drastic time difference, try a quick FaceTime every day while one of you is getting ready for your day while the other is preparing to go to bed, then schedule longer calls more sporadically. Or schedule a standing FaceTime date at the same time every week; drink tea together every Tuesday afternoon for an hour and agree that nothing short of an EMERGENCY will prevent the call from happening. Emergencies or special situations need to be communicated clearly. Instead of saying, “I’m busy tonight and won’t be able to call,” say, “I have an exam tomorrow, and I need to study.” It will still suck to cancel, but at least your partner knows what’s happening. Please do not make your friend or partner feel like talking to them or meeting their communication needs is a chore. No one wants to feel like they aren’t worth the effort of communicating with.
In a romantic relationship, the physical distance makes it hard to feel close to your partner, and your physical needs/desires are not met in the same ways as if you are in person. This is why communication is key! Ask yourself if your needs are being met and if you feel secure in your relationship and with the clear boundaries you have established. If the answer is ever “no,” talk about it with your partner and figure out solutions.
My next piece of advice is very simple: don’t cheat. Suppose you no longer feel close to your partner and don’t want to try to fix it. In that case, the difficult truth is that separating from them is better than making bad decisions and cheating or crossing boundaries. This is why it is essential to define what cheating is for both of you, so you are never unsure if you are crossing a boundary.
You may be thinking about opening up your relationship, and my advice is: Don’t. It opens a whole can of worms you don’t want to deal with when you are away from each other. It becomes very easy to drift away from your partner. It is already tricky and messy when you are in the same place or both at Puget Sound. If you choose to open your relationship, consult people you know who have done it. I cannot name a couple that has opened up a long-distance relationship where it didn’t eventually end terribly, so I cannot recommend it in good faith, but it’s your choice.
That being said, it is important to trust your gut. Maybe you have an anxious attachment style, or maybe they are avoiding your messages, being weird, and swiping on Tinder. Oddly specific example aside, it is important to trust your partner, but if you really cannot shake the feeling that something is wrong, something might actually be wrong. The feeling that something is off might not mean your partner is cheating or wants to break up with you. Still, it does mean that your needs in the relationship are probably not being met. And that signals it is time to chat about your worries, boundaries, unmet needs, or new communication strategies.
Full disclaimer: I have never been in a long-distance romantic relationship, but I maintain long-distance friendships with friends all over the world like it’s nobody’s business. So I talked to couples who have, and below I have included advice from a couple who has been doing long-distance for the past four years. Besides saying that communication and never going to bed angry with each other were the most important things, they also had a bunch of recommendations for dates. They recommend watching shows or movies together, especially watching one episode of a show together every night. They also recommend planning “date nights,” where you do something more special than the usual routine. Order each other dinner on UberEats or DoorDash, get dressed up, play a game online (like a virtual escape room), take online quizzes (BuzzFeed quizzes, personality quizzes, love language quizzes), and compare answers. They also mentioned that having a general idea of when you will see your partner again is always good. You can use the app DayCount to add a countdown widget to your home screen to count down the days until you are reunited.