Written By Dunlop Dinkus
Elon Musk recently announced on X, formerly Twitter, that his company had successfully implanted Neuralink, a brain-computer interface, into a human brain, which is mine.
It all began when I was trying to make some cash on the side so I started signing up for experimental research. One of the programs I signed up for was offering $100 for a “minimally invasive” surgery. I said screw it and put my name down. Before I got the chip I was pretty critical of Mr. Musk. I thought his cars looked stupid and his approach to acquiring Twitter was messy, however, now I realize just how wrong I was! Mr. Musk might be the smartest man on the planet. Why else would he be willing to forgo safety precautions and general ethical concerns when creating Neuralink if he wasn’t a genius? Only a truly revolutionary thinker makes a car so indestructible it could plow through 20 midsize sedans without a scratch on it!
The Chip has changed my whole outlook on life. I used to value things like familial relationships and bodily autonomy but now I’ve gained a new money mindset. I can see the stock market constantly on the inside of my eyeballs. I can trade Bitcoin with the wave of a hand! Transactions are also so much easier with Neuralink, all I need to do to buy my favorite chocolate-flavored Soylent is place my forehead on the touch to pay reader, and boom! I have my Soylent. I do get strange looks when I have to pay for things but those people are just haters. Can’t they see I am the future of humanity?
On the topic of haters, Neuralink has this incredible feature whereby using AI deep-learning technology the in-eye display is able to remove any fake news about Mr. Musk. This gives us a way to see through the lies perpetuated by mainstream media and get to the real truth, like that the cobalt mines in Bolivia are actually chill as hell! The feature also works on images. What was once a (obviously) photoshopped picture of Elon Musk with convicted sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell is now a hilarious dog meme!
My only problem with my Chip is this little burning feeling near my temples. The doctors who implanted it told me it would be normal for there to be a little discomfort, but this is a bit more than I expected. I tried to get back in contact with Mr. Musk over X but he blocked me and reported my account. I’m fairly certain this was a glitch and will go away because I know Mr. Musk and I’ve bought all of his products and none of them have exploded. Even though my head hurts a little, I still love my Neuralink. It makes everything in our digital age so much easier I barely have to leave my gaming chair!
Editor’s Note: The author of this piece, Dunlop Dinkus, tragically passed away after his head exploded while walking past a microwave. There was never an autopsy, but Elon Musk did publish a post on X claiming that he never knew Mr. Dinkus. The post was accompanied by a GIF of Leonardo DiCaprio shrugging.