By Anna Graham
Photo Courtesy Puget Sound Beheadings Task Force
It’s official: millennials are spiraling out of control. We already knew they were reckless, entitled, and self-centered. This became apparent when they killed off the big department stores and heartlessly slaughtered homeownership, light yogurt, beer, Hooters and diamonds. We thought, however, that the list of things millennials have killed in cold blood was reaching its limit. What is there left to destroy, we thought, in this apocalyptic wasteland? What can they do — reinvent the solar calendar?
Apparently, however, it is worse than we thought. Millennials are now killing baby boomers. In a stark departure from earlier antics, they are now staging ritual sacrifices on the front lawns of their frat houses in the early hours of the morning, wearing hooded capes and surrounded by burning torches. According to Bill Dill, an innocent neighborhood civilian who lives near his local college campus, the sight was truly “horrifying.”
“They took my friend Earl,” Dill said shakily, wiping a stray tear. “Earl was just peacefully minding his own business, writing strongly-worded op-ed pieces about the slow destruction of civilization from the dim window of his one-bedroom studio apartment. Is this his punishment?” This last question was asked rhetorically, muttered into the directionless void.
Bill Dill’s tragic experience is not an isolated incident; it is part of a growing trend that is backed by science. According to a recent set of statistics published by the Center For Real True Facts, the number of Baby Boomers in recent years has steadily declined, while the percentage of millennials has steadily risen. Baby boomers have declined in popularity by 86 percent in just the past five years, while Millennials have quickly shot forward in popularity by a whopping 89 percent.
According to the statistics, ritual sacrifices appear to be the most common vehicle of death. However, French Revolution-style beheadings are also quickly gaining in popularity, as the prices of capes and torches skyrocket. Some young people are even going so far as to install guillotines in front of their rented apartments — a move that has raised much controversy with various landlords who feel they are eyesores in the neighborhood.
Ultimately, these statistics point towards a dramatic shift in the direction of our future. Some feel these changes are inevitable and necessary — a step towards a brave new society — while others feel they involve some concerning displays of aggression.
One such alarmist, Norman Vole, remarked that in his opinion, “Millennials feel that they have no need for baby boomers anymore. Baby boomers are not trendy, which means they are quickly becoming obsolete. Personally, I think that these ritual killings are really a display of that classic careless laziness. Millennials just don’t care about things that aren’t immediately beneficial to them, you know? They’d rather just kill them off in a series of medieval beheadings than actually sit down and learn something.”
Neighborhood resident Lola Peterson disagrees. “Millennials are simply faster to change than the rest of us. Just because we don’t like it when they kill our relatives doesn’t mean that we should criticize them. I think we should pay attention to the statistics and jump on trend if we don’t want to get left behind.”
It appears that this debate will not be solved anytime soon. In order to honor the opinions of our readers, we at The Flail have decided to pose the question directly to you. What do you think about this recent development? Is it dangerous? Is it progress? Please post in the comments section below! If you are reading this in print like a dinosaur [Editor’s note: you may be a millennial if you are reading this on a screen. Please get that checked], you may mail questions and feedback to campus mailbox 2960. We welcome all responses.