Puget Sound students are lonely. Spring is in the air and, as trees begin to blossom and birds begin to chirp, Loggers begin to weep at their broken and toxic social lives. Who can save them? In desperation they turn to Hey You’s and LikeALittle, only to suffer failures in communication and more emptiness. Our new feature, Bachelor of the Week, is here as yet another ineffective attempt to help you find what you are looking for—or better yet, what you aren’t.
CZ: Congratulations on being our first bachelor! Now tell us, what are your most attractive qualities?
CS: Thank you. Well, I usually don’t talk about this because people get so impressed. Like, I’ll admit that it’s intimidating. But yes, I do have seventeen level 80 characters on World of Warcraft. I think that’s easily my greatest achievement. It used to be my speedy rubik’s cube completion times, but that was back before I got my second computer monitor. Now I’m much more about the virtual, you know?
CZ: Absolutely. What’s your best physical feature?
CS: Probably my hair. I’ve been working on growing it for a while, and now I can put it in a ponytail. I know girls really like being able to run their fingers through a guy’s hair, so I figure, the more the merrier right? The only problem is washing it. It’s really annoying to shampoo that much hair, so usually I just don’t.
CZ: What do you look for in the ideal woman?
CS: Redheads. They remind me of Christmas, and I like that. I’d also really appreciate a woman who could tank for my guild’s raid group on WoW, because our last one had to quit after his parents de-activated his account. He was a really nice guy, but you know how it goes.
CZ: Any deal breakers?
CS: I don’t date weak women. If there’s a fire in the dorm, I want to be able to dedicate myself fully to saving things like my computers, my five pet cats and my rock collection. I don’t want to have to carry my girlfriend, too. Ideally she would be able to get some stuff too, like my gaming chair.
CZ: What does your ideal first date look like?
A: We could meet up in Stranglethorn Vale at about seven o’clock to watch the sunset over the ocean. We could chat a bit, get to know each other, you know. Then we could log off of our respective computers and meet up in the S.U.B. for some dinner, maybe. But I don’t know about that last part, might be taking it too fast.
To the lucky reader out there who is interested in the bachelor of the week, Cole, you can contact him—wait, really? You’re interested? Wow. I mean, haha, WOW.