Combat Zone

“Corporate bailout” offsets University financial crisis

On Thursday, Puget Sound administrators confirmed rumors that the endowment has gone into the red, depleted by an effort to support sustainability on campus, one that ultimately proved unsustainable.

The University of Puget Sound is out of money, but Ron Thom unveiled a plan to resurrect the school’s budget by utilizing the audience of 2,600 consumers that comprise its student body.

He admitted he met with over thirty officials from national companies, selling names and advertising venues all throughout campus.

In the face of massive criticism, the board of trustees laments that the worst financial situation since 1873 has forced “certain compromises.” But how can this be explained?

An unnamed source suggested that “the school’s overall attractiveness may have come into question. Perfectly manicured lawns, ivy covered brick and an overly-obsessive maintenance schedule. Like a desperate, makeup-laden freshman sorority pledge, Puget Sound is trying a little too hard. Everyone can tell.”

Ron Thom affirmed that in order to stay afloat, Puget Sound has agreed to sell all the rights of the school, its buildings and its functions to national corporations such as Wal-Mart, and McDonalds. Serious changes will be seen throughout the school effective immediately.

Classrooms may see the most drastic shift into the world of sponsorships.

The CEO of Powerade said “Hour and twenty minute class will now be given a five minute commercial break. During this break, we will show commercials of epic dunks, touchdowns and aced tests which would all be impossible without the help of Powerade.”

Elbow-patched houndstooth blazers and modest cardigans will no longer be the standard dress for teachers. Since the school can no longer afford to pay them, all the professors are “going pro,” using agents to search for sponsorships.

Their new dress code consists of NASCAR-like suits that are riddled with corporation logos. All faculty in the English Department have been sponsored by Viagra, much to the dismay of some.

Teachers have also been pushed to riddle their lectures with subtle hints towards the companies paying them. We interviewed a teacher who provided an example of the new changes in her lecture.

It may go as follows: “Ok class. We have an essay due; no I’m not being as cold as the Rockies, its due in two weeks. But getting it done early is helpful so just do it, guys. Just do it. We have two choices for the essay, have it your way. Or if you have your own ideas, I’m lovin’ it, just get it approved. I know it’s longer than normal but impossible is nothing, and you should put one hundred percent of your effort into this, because you’re worth it.”

Grizz, the Puget Sound mascot, was bought by Axe Body Spray. His replacement, a walking can of deodorant spray, yells sexual innuendoes while pitching Axe tee shirts into the crowd.

The rights to all school-spirit related songs and chants have been purchased by the As Seen On TV Store, to promote products like the slap chop. Now at games, the fans can look forward to chanting “Slap Slap! Chop Chop!” while their team dices apart the opponents.

All the food in the sub has been replaced with SPAM. Luckily, meat lovers and vegetarians alike are accommodated because the delicious dish is both meat and not really meat.

Red Bull bought the Collins Memorial Library. Over the next two weeks, it will be converted into the Red Bull Book Adventure Zone! where learning is frickin’ awesome. The Adventure Zone will supply Red Bull to all those studying, so they can read two books at once.

For now, Puget Sound can continue to run as a “private university” but students are questioning how these funding changes will impact tuition costs.

In the spirit of capitalism, the companies have formed a “dollar menu” to provide extremely affordable education that still mostly adheres to government regulations.

A biology major costs 79 cents, history 89 cents, religion is free and chemistry, 99 cents. Double majors and pre-med requirements now come in a new convenient “five-buck box.”

Ron Thom has assured the students the change will be temporary and disbanded once the University regains control of its funds, but there are doubts that these companies will want to relinquish control of their investment any time soon.

We would keep you updated on this issue as it unfolds, but as you have probably noticed, Dominos has purchased The Trail as a carrier for its flyers and coupons.

Students concerned with the integrity of this publication can address those concerns by speaking with any of Domino’s friendly delivery boys and girls.