Combat Zone

Cruel world takes anger management course

For as long as its populace can collectively remember, the world has been a cantankerous old thing, notorious for acting vile and bitter towards even the best of folk at some point or another, earning him the epithet “The Cruel World.”

Because interacting with the world is virtually unavoidable in anyone’s life, multiple efforts have been made to reform the Cruel World’s malicious ways, but all have failed…until now. It seems that simply putting the world in an anger management course was the key to forever altering the course of history.

Past attempts to change the world include advanced diplomacy, utilizing our finest ambassadors; grand marches and protests in the world’s face; poignant films and books for the world to absorb; higher education; war; religion; and countless seasons of Dr. Phil, which all proved to be disgracefully ineffective in penetrating the world’s hard and haughty head. Even heart-wrenching PostSecret events befell deaf ears—and if sweet Frank Warren couldn’t do it, who could?

Months ago, in a carefully executed, top-secret operation, specialized agents stormed into the world’s house, wrenched him from his plush armchair and his daily dose of Dr. Phil, confiscated all his weapons, drugs and untouched bipolar medication  and placed him in an anger management seminar.

“He’s a stubborn old man, but this is what’s best for him and everyone else,” an operative said at the time. “It’s either this or the nursing home, and God only knows the havoc the Cruel World would wreak in a place like that. The tension on Bingo night would probably result in more deaths via heart attacks than Paranormal Activity 1 and 2 combined.”

Yesterday, the world finally graduated his anger management course and appeared to the masses, announcing he was a changed man and shocking his populace all over the earth with his cheery demeanor.

What was formerly known as the Cruel World has since been sighted smiling at strangers, shaking hands with enemies, bouncing puppies on his knee and ribbon-dancing naked in fields of flowers.

“The exercise releases endorphins that keep me reasonable and out of everyone’s face,” the world said of the latter, one of the many techniques he learned from this revolutionary course.

Because of the unbelievable success of the seminar, what is now known as the Content World is enthusiastically persuading members of his populace to engage in similar therapies, including Glenn Beck, Chris Brown and anyone who consistently loses their head while playing World of Warcraft.

The world believes that many could benefit from “an intervention of reason.” He would also like his weed back.