Combat Zone

Speculation Around Russia Investigation Erupts After Robert Mueller Orders Dirty Chai at Diversions

By Bean McQueen

On Jan. 31, Special Investigator Robert Mueller visited the University of Puget Sound campus for reasons unknown. Although the full extent of Mueller’s activities on the Puget Sound campus are unclear, concordant reports indicate that he entered Diversions Cafe, ordered a dirty chai and left. An isolated report claimed he was seen tearing up decorative kale and eating it raw. What this means for the Russia investigation is not yet confirmed, but many members of the Puget Sound community consider this move by Mueller to have significant implications.

“At this point in the investigation, a dirty chai is as good as an indictment,” International Political Economy (IPE) major Timothy Turkey said. “I’ve had my share of chais, dirty and clean, and I can confirm it’s a very serious drink. Mueller wouldn’t order one if he wasn’t preparing to bring criminal charges against Trump.”

Erica Shaneley, a witness to the event, claims to have spotted definitive proof of Mueller’s intent to indict Trump. “I was doing homework in Diversions when it happened and I got a look at the cup when he was leaving,” Shaneley said. “The writing on the cup either said ‘16 oz dirty chai w/hemp’ or ‘Trump is guilty of colluding with Russia and I have undeniable proof, so watch out world, everything’s coming up Robert.’ I’m prepared to assume it was the latter.”

Others claim that Mueller’s appearance in Diversions implies the investigation is yielding no concrete evidence of collusion.

“Think about it: Robert Mueller ordered a dirty chai with hemp,” English major Brandon Blue explained. “‘Hemp’ leads us to ‘hump’: hump day. Jan. 31 was a Wednesday. ‘Wednesday’ sounds like ‘one day.’ ‘One day’ we won’t even drink coffee, because our stomachs will be external mechanisms outside of our bodies. ‘Bodies,’ ‘buddies,’ ‘blueberries,’ … free-associate a little further and you end up with ‘Trump is innocent.’ I’m as surprised by this result as the next person; I really thought he was guilty, but … the proof is in the pudding.”

Another student, Mary Macinbryer, agreed with Blue. “Nobody doing serious work would ever go to Diversions. The fact that Mueller even set foot in there tells us the investigation is dead in the water,” she said.

There have been rumors that the Diversions employee who took Mueller’s order might have illuminating information — the two talked for over forty seconds by the Diversions cash register — but when we approached Diversions barista Anabeth Bricks, she declined to provide a statement. It follows logically that she was forced or bribed to sign a nondisclosure agreement due to the sensitive information relayed to her by Mueller.

“He just ordered a drink. I have to go to class,” Bricks said when pressed.

Bertha Berts, the student who claims to have witnessed Mueller ripping decorative kale out of the ground and eating it immediately, described the incident in detail and gave us their take on its implications.

“It was right before the dirty chai incident, at the little garden by the sign on Alder street. He was pulling them up violently, randomly; sometimes the roots came up and sometimes they ripped at the stem. Some of them he shoved into his mouth even though they were really dirty. A lot of them just got strewn around. I also think he was humming the ‘Friends’ theme song. Pretty powerful stuff — I think we all know what this means for Trump, the Russia investigation and our nation’s future.”

For a more informed opinion on what Mueller’s appearance means, we went to Lucy Barns, an esteemed scholar of political psychology who specializes in analyzing the behaviors of those experiencing great public scrutiny.

“Not my president,” Barns said.

Undoubtedly, the meaning of the dirty chai incident (or “Chaigate,” as some are calling it) will come to light as the investigation unfolds.