Are you Turtleneck Body ready?

By Anna Graham

As we hit the beginning of November and the temperature begins to turn the usual Tacoma rain into Tacoma slush, the beauty editors at The Flail must officially declare that time of year again: Turtleneck Season. Finally, it’s time to pull those old turtleneck sweaters out of the back of your closet where they’ve been collecting dust for the past six months. Put away your bikinis and break out your oversized flannels; winter has officially begun!

With this in mind, we must all ask ourselves the question: is my body ready for turtleneck season? It’s important to put your best foot forward, as the entire world is most likely closely monitoring your changing seasonal fashion. We’ve all been there: you want to ensure that you feel comfortable in your turtleneck, but more importantly, you want the rest of the world to feel comfortable with your turtleneck body.

So, how do you appear instantly more attractive while hiding your figure under several thick layers of knitted polyester? Though we know that we cannot have all the answers, we at The Flail have compiled a detailed exercise and beauty regimen, which you must follow religiously in order to achieve maximum turtleneck status. Not only will this greatly improve your confidence and sex appeal, but you will become instantly more influential. People will automatically gravitate towards you; you may even find yourself finally getting attention from that special someone. Thus, our list is as follows:

Wearing a turtleneck is a particular fashion choice which can really only be fully executed by those with long, slender necks. Unfortunately, not all of us were graced with such a gift. Yet do not fear! Highly scientific research has shown that resting your head in a sling for two hours each day is an effective way to lengthen your neck. Note, however, that one should not attempt to wear a turtleneck until one’s neck has reached the appropriate length and slenderness — otherwise the effect could be quite offensive to passerby.

As we all know, the neck is the window to the soul. It is the tunnel through which the light of day reaches your internal organs, and as such must be given the utmost attention. You want your neck to catch the attention of complete strangers.

The best way to slenderize and dramatize your neck is with contouring. We recommend a foundation several shades darker than your actual skin tone coupled with a highlighter that shines brighter than the stars, as you really want your neck to reach a level of luminosity that catches the light even through the Tacoma clouds. Next, apply the turtleneck. You may only want a half-turtleneck, or even a mockneck, to maximize the effect.


Practice Makes Perfect

The key to pulling off a turtleneck in true style, however, is entirely in the attitude. One must not simply walk in a turtleneck ­— ­­one must strut. As the neck is clearly the focal point of the ensemble, you really want to walk neck first. Think here of mimicking the Canada goose. In order to perfect this suave swagger, try watching YouTube videos of geese walking, and practicing in front of a mirror.

If you do not feel that you are entirely ready to pull off a full turtleneck, try warming up with a choker. Start with a skinny choker to really become comfortable with the look, then try to work your way up levels of thickness. Alternately, if you’re already feeling moderately prepared, you can try wearing scarves. The most important thing here is to really prime the neck, so that you are not beginning with a completely blank canvas. If you are diligent about this routine, you are guaranteed to be prepared for the full turtleneck just in time for winter break!

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