Nerves were running high at the Rotunda last Tuesday as the University unveiled a gargantuan display check. Complete with confetti raining from the ceiling, the University announced a research grant called the “Alumni Fund for Anyone to Be More Famous Than Ted Bundy Please God I Beg You.” Administrative official Brent Sistern seemed visibly excited about this prospect. At the podium, he said, “C’mon guys, it’s really not that hard, please, I mean, it’ll be great, right? This is enough money, right? Here, do you want more?” Sistern was sweating profusely and threw many more comically-large checks towards the audience.
Ducking out of the way of the styrofoam checks, this intrepid reporter asked Mr. Sistern if he had any specific projects in mind for alumni to work on. “I dunno! Literally anything other than murder! Is it that hard? Come on,” Sistern replied while pacing around the tasty light appetizers catered by Dining and Conference Services. But even the smoked salmon on cucumber wedges could not lighten the somber yet frenetic mood.
Before the announcement of the grant was made, Maria Wiltons, a representative from the President’s office, made sure to publicize the fact that Ted Bundy did not even graduate from Puget Sound. “I mean, is that even good? Does it show that we are not tainted by his image or that our school isn’t even good enough for a serial killer to attend? Jesus Christ.”
Associated Students of the University of Puget Sound (ASUPS) senate member Corey Conger lobbied for this action, saying that “too many of my friends at home give me a hard time. Yeah, Occidental has Obama, Reed has Steve Jobs, but us? Us? What do we have but ourselves? Join me, my brothers, while fighting for someone who we can believe in!” It is important to note Conger said this speech while standing on a table in the S.U.B., rallying forth his cronies. A loud “huzzah” and splashing of ale followed his call to action.
So far, the administration reports that a few applications have already been sent in. One was from a 2017 graduate who wants to “like, chill out in Tacoma for a bit, get a footing, work at a small business or something while decompressing after college.” The University hinted that this application, or any other one, will be accepted and are willing to throw any amount of money towards it. But not throw too heavily. A gentle toss, nothing cruel.