Combat Zone

Student learns virtue of patience via Netflix Original Stranger Things

By Lee L. Benbow

Daniel Johnson was originally going to wait until season three of the Netflix Original series “Stranger Things” before he watched the second season. Unfortunately that is not what happened, as he could only wait three days before diving in. In an attempt to savor every moment of the intricate show, he watched all the credits, opening and closing. “It’s not something I usually do, but for the first episode it just felt right,” Johnson said.

By the third episode Johnson admitted, “Although for the first two episodes it was more of a mistake, and I didn’t really mean to wait the extra five seconds to see what would happen next, I really started to savor the break afforded by the short opening credits. Ignoring the skip to next episode button, I even took advantage of the time to call my mom between episodes. It’s amazing what you can do when you pause and just reflect.”

We here at The Flail aspire to have Johnson’s self control, but alas, the allure of instant gratification overpowers us. Johnson says he has taken this ideology into his everyday actions as he always opts for the slowest shipping option for textbooks and groceries, prefers to the long road to class and even savors waiting 45 minutes for a pizza in the Cellar. “There is something gained in time lost,”  Johnson said with a faraway look in his eye.

From the comfort of his room in Schiff 237, Johnson began what truly could become a national phenomena similar to the likes of “Eat, Pray, Love.” “What I’ve learned over the past five days is that without leaving my room, or even my bed in all honesty, I can make a huge lifestyle change. Like, in the past I’d order my Amazon Prime packages with next-day shipping and pick them up the second I got an email of its arrival. Now I let my packages take weeks to arrive, and upon arrival I let them marinate in the mailroom until they are about to be sent back,” Johnson said.

Other students are slowly picking up on Daniel’s new innovative habits. His lab partner Ashley [Editor’s Note: yes, like Madonna or Cher] complained that “He doesn’t prepare his part of the work till it is due in the spirit of ‘#livingeverymoment.’” The Flail guesses that not all students are able to understand when they  are in the presence of a genius. His roommate Stewie Davis also struggled to comprehend Johnson’s deep philosophical skills. Davis could only say, “He never leaves the room. He says something about savoring this time and honoring every moment, but he’s just lazy and doesn’t want to take out the trash.” The intelligent minds at The Flail tried to empathize with his peers and their lackluster knowledge of Daniel’s profound lifestyle, but failed to do so. We searched for quite some time before we found one person who understood the mastery of this new lifestyle. Sixth-year senior Henry McClarke’s eyes lit up as he exclaimed, “That is exactly what we need to do! Everyone keeps worrying about student debt and getting a job, but if you never get that far the issues never arise. Taking your time solves all problems.”

After he finished season two of “Stranger Things” in a week, which to be fair is pretty long for only nine episodes, Johnson sat down with The Flail for an update on how his new lifestyle was going. “I’m planning on writing a manifesto for my friends, family and followers to read which should be done in early 2030.” When asked about how he will use the 13 years to write he explained how he would handwrite every copy, make the paper and ink and need time to meditate between most chapters. The Flail cannot blame the guy for taking his time, and will keep you updated.