Combat Zone

Local man wins “best feminist” award

By Lee L. Benbow

Earlier this year, the University of Puget Sound awarded the “Best Feminist on Campus” title to none other than Brad Johnson. The 5”11 Portland native attended the ceremony with his 10 closest friends and entire extended family. He was quick to correct President Isaiah Crawford that he was not just the first person to receive the award but also the first cis straight male to do so.

Although The Flail would love to say that there were hundreds of qualified candidates for the award, there were none who even came close to Johnson. Johnson is 15 percent Puerto Rican, has never shaved his legs or armpits, cites Gloria Steinem as his copilot, wears exclusively high-waisted jeans and shirts with feminist quotes from stores like Urban Outfitters and H&M, but, most importantly, Johnson is the best feminist. Some will argue that you can’t measure the amount of feminist a person is. They are wrong. Johnson is the most feminist. Despite losing the popular vote, he swept the electoral college and received the plaque.

When asked why he thinks he is the best feminist, Johnson reflected for a couple days, prayed to Beyoncé, and said, “Honestly, I just am. Like ever since I unfollowed Meninist on Twitter last April and stopped making jokes about women belonging in the kitchen I really feel like I am Feminism,” Johnson said proudly while finishing his Venus symbol stick and poke tattoo.

The University of Puget Sound initially received backlash from other self-identifying “best feminists” on campus. Many of them complained that he wasn’t a woman or that he was underqualified, as he still hasn’t taken a Gender Studies class. The University heard their complaints, but didn’t bother to argue with them, as these are issues that women “just wouldn’t understand,” according to an anonymous member of the community. The University hopes that everyone can unite behind Johnson and support him for the sake of the feminist community.

We reached out to Johnson’s friends to see what they thought of his new title and how he was dealing with all that comes with being the best feminist. “He’s been a lot moodier recently and is constantly reminding me to stay woke, whatever that means,” Johnson’s neighbor Chad said. The Flail thinks that Chad is just jealous and should work on himself for a little bit before judging others. “He isn’t even the best feminist; he is not woke at all and asked me when the wage gap was. Like, what the heck? He is a classic white feminist and pays no mind to intersectionalism,” Johnson’s ex-best friend Bridget said. Bridget is known to be a classic first-wave feminist and needs to get a grip on reality. She should take a chill pill and be happy for Johnson.

The “Best Feminist” award will be given to another recipient next year, but until then Johnson plans to use his platform just as Miss USA would, using every day and every event as an opportunity to spread his message. “I really want to make the best of the year, and reach out to people who need to #staywoke, be educated and work towards human equality,” Johnson said. The Flail asked him how he originally got woke; he shrugged like it was obvious. “I curated my Twitter to only people I agree with, shared articles, used the profile filters on Facebook and most importantly skimmed 10 New York Times article headlines every day,” Johnson said. The Flail wishes Johnson the best in his year as Best Feminist, will continue to keep you updated on his progress and service, and would like to tell the haters to back off and let him live.