Combat Zone

SCIENCE WATCH: Hipsters found to be descended from dinosaurs!

Paleontologists announced last Monday they have gathered concrete physical evidence proving a link between the modern hipsters and the Cretaceous-period dinosaur, Charonosaurus. After four years of research the final piece to the puzzle was revealed to scientists while comparing the head shape of Charonosaurus fossils with those of hipsters who wear really big beanies.

In 2006, Charonosaurus fossils were unearthed from under piles of Pabst Blue Ribbon and fossilized fern leaves—plants that were used in the original American Spirits cigarette. It was these fossils that caught the interest of the research team.

“After noting the hollow headcrest of the Charonosaurus, and the tall, hollow head of hipsters,” paleontologist and leader of the research team Dr. Jill Bacchus explained to the press, “we were taken aback by the physical similarities, and then it all clicked. We had proven what was always taken for granted: hipsters are direct descendants of dinosaurs.”

Researchers theorize further that the skin color of the reptilian ancestor was either a plaid-flannel pattern or a two-tone that met around the breast – a vestigial marking that is reflected in today’s hipsters’ v-neck shirts.

Hipsters are responding to this discovery with a widespread celebration of ‘retro’ dinosaur style.

A day after these findings were announced, American Apparel began selling a limited-edition ironic t-shirt that says “I Liked Dinosaurs Before They Were Our Ancestors”. Those shirts sold so fast that American Apparel released another t-shirt yesterday that says “I Liked Shirts About Dinosaurs Before They Sold Out”.

Despite the apparent popularity of their new roots, on the streets of hipster colonies like Portland, Seattle and Brooklyn, many hipsters remained aloof and unfazed by the scientific breakthrough.

“Actually,” a Seattle hipster with a long-neck, flannel and a v-neck said in an interview, “my family roots go back to the Sauropods. My family tree can be traced to Littlefoot from Land Before Time.”

Similarly pretentious answers were common among interviewed hipsters. The most commonly heard was, “[People] throw around the word Charonosaurus and [they] don’t even know what it means.”

But people do know what it means: Charonosaurus means “Charon lizard”. In Greek mythology, Charon is the ferryman who carries bands who have sold out to Hades.

Dr. Bacchus and her team remain optimistic that this new knowledge will transform hipster culture the way it has transformed the scientific community, regardless of the ambivalence that hipsters show.

“This link between hipsters and dinosaurs has created among paleontologists a new way to look at dinosaurs,” Dr. Bacchus said. “We expect that once hipsters accept their identity as dinosaur descendants they will imitate their ancestors, namely by all dying off.”

Bacchus says that if hipsters continue to smoke anywhere near the amount of cigarettes that the Charonosauruses did, there is a good possiblity they will indeed follow in their ancestors’ footsteps.