Combat Zone

THIS WEEK IN POLITICS: Donald Trump Visits Tacoma; Confronts Student Who Personally Offended Him

By Anna Graham

Sept. 18, 11:30 a.m., Tacoma, WA. In a startling turn of events, Donald Trump has made a spontaneous visit to the University of Puget Sound– specifically to the lunch table of Flail news writer Hons Johnson– to confront Johnson on his usage of the words “questionable intellect” in reference to President Trump in a news article last week.

According to a key inside source, prior to this particular incident, Trump had been visiting Tacoma on a top-secret business trip. Though he was deeply preoccupied with the inner workings of government, Trump nonetheless caught wind of a rumor that his good name had been smeared in an unidentified news publication. Sensing that he owed it to the people of America to act as an emissary of truth, Trump redirected the CIA’s resources from collecting Russian intel toward finding the author of this vicious libel.

It took the CIA approximately seven days to find where the exact words had been printed, seeing as they were expertly hidden off the radar of many major news publications and social media forums. It wasn’t until they were given a tip in an anonymous phone call that the CIA was able to follow a word-of-mouth trail to the University of Puget Sound campus.

Expecting the absolute worst, Trump followed his motto “always plan ahead and be prepared” by calling in the local police force, the city’s SWAT team, the CIA and the National Guard to confront the perpetrator of the scandalous verbal assault.

According to witnesses who were present on the scene, President Trump stormed through the doors of Diversions Café at exactly 11:24 a.m. with five Secret Service agents in tow, making a beeline for where Hons Johnson was unassumingly eating a bagel. Witness accounts differ as to the exact nature of the conversation that ensued, but most agree that Trump snatched the bagel from Johnson, called him a “thundering ninny,” and launched into a lengthy monologue about the difficulties of running a country.

Minni Edleson, a student who was present for the whole affair, quotes Trump as saying, “Being president is a hard job. The hardest! What is your job? Do you even have a job? Does your job qualify as a job? I mean, you don’t do anything– you write mediocre articles for your dinky little college newspaper. Do you know how small your job is, compared to mine? Criticize me again when you have access to the nuclear codes.”

Other accounts suggest that Trump began an attack on Johnson’s own intellect, saying, “You have the lowest IQ of anyone I’ve ever met, and I’ve met a lot of people.” He then reportedly paused his rampage to tweet: “Hons Johnson: dumb as a rock. #Sad!”

Trump continued his harsh criticism of Johnson, saying that Johnson was merely a “pawn for the fake news,” a “con-artist in training,” and “part of the global media conspiracy to keep the American people in total ignorance.” He followed these statements with a string of tweets: “Hans Johnson and the #FakeFlail write only lies. #Rude!”

At this point, however, the CIA agents and SWAT team were growing increasingly uncomfortable, as it began to dawn on them that the perceived threat they had prepared for seemed to be nonexistent. At precisely 11:27 a.m., a Secret Service agent approached Trump and whispered something in his ear. Fifteen seconds later, the government officials began filing out of the building, leaving the president alone, holding Johnson’s bagel.

Approximately five minutes after he had begun hurling loud verbal insults at Johnson, Trump abruptly left Diversions. The President boarded his private helicopter for a trip back to Washington D.C., leaving only a hint of self-tanner on the café walls.