By Anna Graham
In light of the recent conundrum over the Associated Students of the University of Puget Sound (ASUPS) election results, technical experts have been working around the clock to both rectify the problem and identify its source. After several days of grueling work and careful analysis, they have confidently traced the corruption all the way back to its place of origin: Russia.
Rob Dob, the chairman of the Puget Sound Committee of Secret Intelligence, was able to confirm these new findings in a statement Tuesday morning: “It was the Russians. We ran a bunch of numbers, did a bunch of research — the best research, of course — and we traced the source of the corruption back to the Russians. They did it with their little Russian tools. They got together and had a conference, and they used their little Russian hacking tools to mess up our election.”
“Little” tools is perhaps a bit of a misnomer; for somehow the hacking managed to slip through Puget Sound’s
ironclad cybersecurity net. This could only imply state-of-the art technology and extensive previous knowledge of the inner workings of the election system, suggesting that the Russians had been planning and monitoring this particular cyber attack for quite some time.
Motivation behind the attack is unknown; we can only speculate as to why they would target this specific, tiny liberal arts college. The University has thus far managed to avoid displays of outright lunacy and instability, with only the occasional inflammatory incident.
Why such a relatively insignificant election would then draw the attention of an overseas spectator has yet to be discovered. So far, the only available hypotheses are jealousy over regional weather patterns or underuse of fur hats.
T i e s b e t w e e n candidates a n d Russian intelligence officials — or perhaps even an underground Russian mafia — have also been suggested. According to Rob Dob, ASUPS candidate Vlad Vladiminsky Voschovsky is a primary suspect in the investigation, judging by his long phone h i s t o r y of private Russian-coded text messages. Said Dob, “We just don’t like the look of that dude. He’s shiftyeyed. He’s got something shady up his sleeve.” What we are sure of, however, has been summarized in an additional statement f r o m Rob Dob. “We can absolutely confirm that the Russians managed to h a c k into the University’s system. They used their hacking skills to corrupt the ASUPS election results, and they did it on purpose. Based on this knowledge, we are taking immediate action to secure our database and confront the Russian government. We will make them pay. Literally — we will make them apologize, and then make them fund our next election.”
This news comes at an especially fortunate time, considering that numerous officials were on the verge of complete mental breakdowns for lack of someone or something to blame. Now, we can all merely point to the Russians with their fur hats and mustaches, hunched in belowfreezing temperatures while they tap away at their strange, whizzing technologies. Additionally, we can all benefit through the knowledge that our problems are being taken care of, and that the Russians will face due justice.
We sat down with Rad Grob, the senior intelligence official, for his perspective on the matter. When asked if the Russians’ actions were out of line, or whether the ASUPS response was adequate, he merely shrugged and replied, “Bureaucracy is, as always, increasingly bizarre.”