Tittle-Tattle of the Wood

Combat Zone

By Pagliaccio

— In this new gossip column, we will spill all of the hot tea from the past weekend. We want students to become more acquainted with what is going on outside of their small circle of friends. —

ILLUSTRATION BY: PAGLIACCIO: John Paster Lutheran genuflects in honor of Grizz revealing his true identity as he sheds his dirty rags.
ILLUSTRATION BY: PAGLIACCIO: John Paster Lutheran genuflects in
honor of Grizz revealing his true identity as he sheds his dirty rags.

Begynneth Here A Tale Sure To Ring True
To all Loggers, Old and New
A kind and brave fellow
Wearing a cloak of canary yellow
Arrived At Passages and Preludes
With Nary But Poor Attitudes
But His Leaders and Advisors
Were To His Brain’s Seed Fertilizers
So As He Opened His Heart
To Examine Proust and Descartes
He Now Can Comprehend
The Meaning Of Friend
Which He Found In His Fellow Logger
Which Even The Fates Could Not Augur


Late Friday night, Martin Goodman was really hitting it off with another student at a party. Sounds steamy! The student, Clement Evaristus, was a theatre major who enjoyed the ritual of performance. Martin, of course, asked Clement why this is so, since it is most important to impose literary analysis. Dramaturgy, Martin argued, is about textual analysis because we must take what the playwright tells us and follow their word. No, Clement Evaristus argued back, it is the act of performance and the theatricality of a piece that is truest to the art form. Maybe opposites will attract? Clement then went on to say that Shakespeare is little more than a fraud. Unfortunately, yet perhaps justly, as Clement walked home, he was struck by lightning. Oh, brother.

On Thursday night, ChristianGoodfellow told his RA Justice Impartial that his roommate Shaden Dirkness and his friends Jessica and Lucy were up to no good. Absolutely classic move on Christian’s part! Upon hearing of Shaden’s antics, Mr. Impartial decided not to write the students up, but offered them an alternative. If Shaden could recite the alma mater of Puget Sound, he could get off freely. Yikes! Of course, Christian Goodfellow knew the words by heart, and freely sung the tune with an operatic flourish. His roommate Shaden, howe’er, attempted the tune yet the words would not come out. Shaden’s body convulsed when the words tried to emit from his mouth. Justice Impartial decided then that Shaden would be condemnéd to an eternity in Garden Level of his residence hall.

A group of friends (Lacey Slothower,Desiree Green, Envita Yearn, Sara Wrath, Tim Proud, Voracious Glutton and Wench Lust) decided to go hang out at Lacey’s den. They invited an acquaintance over, Grace Light. She wore her favorite white blouse, emblematic of her humbleness and practicality. Also she looked great in it— Go girl! The seven good friends all gave Grace proper libations, despite her initial protestations. As the friends got the Totino’s Pizza Rolls out of the oven, Sara Wrath spilled some on Grace and her formerly clean blouse was tainted with the iconic red marinara sauce. Woopsie daisy! Grace ran from the house, knowing she was not meant to stay.

As Fabian Boniface II walked out of his house to attend a party, he came upon a lost soul. Huddled in the mud near his house, this shadowy figure asked Fabian for some meagre dining dollars to help him survive the night. Fabian refused, and insulted the stranger’s appearance. Not more than a half-candle’s burn later, John Pastor Lutheran also passed by this figure on his way to the library. He heard the man’s plea and immediately gave him what few dining dollars he possessed. The man was overjoyed, and took off his cloak to reveal what was underneath. ’Twas Grizz, the brave mascot of the misty Puget Sound himself ! What greater honor than to help such a revered figure?

Financial Aid Advisor Terminus Decay arrived at the door of Jeder Mann, telling him that he needed to pay his tuition. Jeder Mann told Mr. Decay that he will only pay when his time has come, and that his parents will help to pay the tuition. However, upon calling his parents, they told him they would pay, but as the weeks went by, no money arrived. Jeder Mann found that in order to survive on his journey towards graduation, the only person he can depend on is himself and his ability to pay the tuition.

Mary Kindness found herself outside the Cellar, getting some fresh air. Another student came out, asking her for some dining dollars to purchase a pizza slice. He wore the cloak of Grizz, brown, brave, and gruff. The emblem of Puget Sound. Miss Kindness obliged, especially to such an important figure. Howe’er, the rascal ne’er returnéd. Though some wear cloaks of finery, they fail to pass the moral binary.

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