Combat Zone

Campus unsafe for babies

WHEELOCK CENTER—Citing many Puget Sound students’ comments about wanting to “steal that baby,” a study released by the KATO institute found that the University of Puget Sound is an unsafe place for babies.

Babies are defined by Webster Dictionary as smaller versions of people but much cuter and less likely to kill anyone. Parents often bring their babies onto campus to demonstrate the kind of school they don’t want their kids to attend. However, due to the unsafe conditions on campus, the KATO institute is urging babies to stay away.

“Our study has found that the Puget Sound campus is a danger trap for toddlers,” lead KATO researcher Josh Joshson stated while drinking whiskey with me at a bar, musing about our old relationship together. See, me and Josh go way back. We dated for a few years in the 70s. He was a fair man, but let’s be honest: I don’t need a man. All I need is the cold feel of my typewriter and “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me” playing in the background to be happy.

Anyway, Josh went on to explain the details about why babies are so unsafe here at the Puge:

“We did some research,” Josh said. Gosh, he was always so thoughtful. You know, sometimes I miss him. What am I saying? We could never be together. Let’s just get back to the quote. So they did some research and concluded that “babies are just unsafe. For example, if you left a baby on the sidewalk here at Puget Sound, and nobody assisted them, they would die within the week.”

Geez, Josh was always so passionate about babies. He’d make a great father, wouldn’t he? Too bad he’s infertile and nobody loved him. Except me. I loved him. But we couldn’t be together, could we? I don’t know. However, I do know one thing: the news. And I’m gonna give it to you:

For many students, a baby-less campus is a terrifying prospect, as babies are the only things a college student can feel superior to. Although, then again, there is Josh. Am I right? Josh. Josh. Josh. Just say his name. It sounds good. No, Yolo. Stop it! You can’t love him anymore. You can’t. You grew up. YOU GREW UP.

First-year Jessica Ann expressed her concerns about the situation explaining, “I love babies. I want one.”

Ha, first-year. We’ve gotten so politically correct nowadays. Isn’t it so ridiculous? Josh would have a huge laugh at that. In fact, we’d probably laugh together. Sure, I think his baby concern is pretty silly while other, actual real adults from minority backgrounds are being oppressed on campus. But still, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. He’s just an idiot.

You know what, if you would excuse me, I think I have to make a call. A call I should have made a long time ago. Because while Puget Sound may be an unsafe place for babies, it’s certainly a wonderful place for love.