Combat Zone writers predict future news

Combat Zone

New year, new staff. According to Combat Zone editor Michelle Loserby, in years past she looked for writers who were “witty, confident and observant.” In a twilight-zone turn of events, Loserby recently started to notice that her staff had a knack for predicting future occurrences.

“It was the weirdest thing,” Mad Punz, who had her article revoked for this week’s spread, said. “They said I couldn’t run my piece because what I had written about was something they had on their radar and wanted to cover a few weeks down the road.”

When asked about whether or not she was excited about being able to predict future events, Punz replied, “Like, it’s fine, but I wanted my article published. I’m not mad. I just want to get paid.”

Apparently, Punz is not the only writer who seems to be able to write for the future. Fellow staff member, SpaNish, also seems to have the shine. Seven-Eleven has come out with their own version of a “Netflix and Chill” pack, which contains ice cream, redbull, gum and condoms.

Michelle Loserby, the mastermind who credits herself with noticing the trend, now rolls with it.

“A quick wit isn’t enough any more. Divinity is quickly becoming a key component in cutting edge satire nowadays. Now I look for writers who are witty, confident, observant and clairvoyant,” Loserby said.

In order to get you, the readers, insider information, Loserby took her staff writers to a secret location.

“Well, well, well,” Loserby said, projecting an image posted on Yolo Ono’s Facebook page from the past. “Shall we see what was on your mind on Saturday, Sept. 24 in 2007? Yolo Ono is ‘why do my feet smell this way?’”

Writers pleaded for mercy as Loserby threatened them with their own posts from the past until they agreed to use their powers to keep Combat Zone one step ahead.

Here were their predictions:

There will be new leadership of organizations on campus.

People will become upset about issues and desire to change them.

Someone will get offended by a comment.

Someone will have a crush on someone, but they’re already taken.

There will be a hard-hitting exposé next week in Combat Zone.

People with differing opinions will make statements regarding the aforementioned opinions.

Someone at Diversions will take the wrong drink and feel no remorse.

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