Monday: Slightly sunny, potential afternoon rainfall Probability of rain: 100% Tuesday: Sunny, no cloud coverage, warm! Probability of rain: 97% Wednesday: Overcast with potential rainfall starting around 2 p.m. Probability of rain: 100% Thursday: Rain Probability of rain: 100% Friday: Rain, possible thunderstorms Probability of rain: 240% Saturday: Weak morning sun, a feeble attempt at fooling Washington residents of one, dry, sunny day Probability of rain: 96% Sunday: Sunny! Low humidity, dry, warm, absolutely beautiful weather!...

Ida Dunn-Moore needs to step up her coffee game. Everyone is thankful for the space she provides, but the quality of the coffee is inconsistent. Sure, its fun to hang out with her, but she doesn’t own 20 different flavors of syrup, she can’t grind her own espresso, pull a shot, foam milk and mix drinks, all while juggling 10 other tasks in the busiest coffee shop on campus. I mean, really, she’s not even a coffee shop! I’ve had a lot of good coffee. Unfortunately, I can count on...

A lonely janitor sweeps through Thompson Hall for the third time that day, more out of habit rather than out of necessity, as no one else has walked through the empty corridors in days. The entire campus is barren; not a soul is in sight. What came to the Puget Sound campus and took everyone away? The answer is simple: 2048. The game is a simple one, with the objective being adding up to the number 2048. Simple enough, yet the game contains a certain appeal, one that draws people...

Two-time Oscar nominee Jonah Hill won an Academy Award in every category this year. The actor/comedian won in categories such as Best Animated Short Film, Best Supporting Actress, Best Foreign Film, as well as every single other category. The comedian was recognized for his stunning performance as director, costume designer, set designer, stunt coordinator, gaffer and literally everything in every single film produced by major studios all across the globe this year. He also made a considerable impression on the Academy through his groundbreaking performance in the movie Accepted wherein...

An anonymous poll reinforces the campus authorities’ concern over students abusing drugs, shown today. A whopping 68 percent of students “consume some form of dietary supplement,” Detective Joe Parsons announces. “I mean, sure, you’ve got a lot of vegans and vegetarians that say they take supplements to get enough iron and other minerals that they aren’t getting from their dietary choices, but are they really?” Other skeptics also voiced their concerns, claiming that many students are in fact abusing iron, potassium and even calcium supplements in order to “stay healthy...

Q: What are some good dorm food options I should stock up on? A: Living on a college budget can be pretty difficult at times, so you’ll really want to make sure you’re getting a solid bang for your buck. Eating healthy is another concern. To address both issues and to find a good compromise, I recommend a few different options. You’ll want to buy spoiled milk, because grocers will usually sell it to you pretty cheap, and it’s a good source of anti-oxidants! You also don’t have to worry...

By MR. BUTTFIST F ollowing a recent survey asking students what the next improvements made to campus should be, President Tonald Rhombus has unveiled plans for one long continuous lazy river to substitute the sidewalks between buildings. The announcement was, however, met with some controversy. Some students would prefer the river be filled with chocolate milk, instead of plain water, for example. Others would rather see buildings made with  gingerbread or professors made of taffy. “I’m glad my tuition is paying for this, instead of something useless like a better...

By MR. BUTTFIST Aries: Due to the lining up of Mercury and Venus,  a stranger will unexpectedly enter your life, through a very unexpected way. He will most definitely crash his car into the side of your house at 3 a.m. on a Wednesday. Taurus: Surprise! You’re pregnant. Gemini: Too much partying could have you feeling a little under the weather. The food and drink may have been great, but today you’d better eat plain but nourishing food. You may not be inclined to exercise, but a brisk walk or...