By MR. BUTTFIST
Aries: Due to the lining up of Mercury and Venus, a stranger will unexpectedly enter your life, through a very unexpected way. He will most definitely crash his car into the side of your house at 3 a.m. on a Wednesday.
Taurus: Surprise! You’re pregnant.
Gemini: Too much partying could have you feeling a little under the weather. The food and drink may have been great, but today you’d better eat plain but nourishing food. You may not be inclined to exercise, but a brisk walk or yoga class might be just what you need. It will also clear your head.
You should be yourself again by midafternoon. Also, your house will be absolutely trashed and several homeless people have taken over your living room. You should probably stop partying so much.
Cancer: Next time you try piercing your belly button, use a hollow needle. It’s okay though, you’re learning.
The bad news is, your stomach will probably never look the same. The good news is, you did technically get a piercing.
Leo: Your family members have really started to rely on you for a ton of favors. Stop being such a pushover, you pansy.
Virgo: A man in tattered clothing will approach you on Thursday at exactly 5:03 p.m., claiming to be you from the future.
Follow his instructions very carefully. Take the package to the exact GPS location he gives you, and wait for a black Volvo. From there you will receive more instructions. Complete every task asked of you. Should you fail, unthinkable consequences will happen.
Libra: Jessica is really getting sick of your crap.
Scorpio: You know you’ve been putting off your house payment until next paycheck, but don’t worry. Pretty soon you won’t have a house to make payments on!
Sagittarius: Good job on taking the initiative to address your problems head on this week!
Unfortunately, you chose the wrong week, seeing as you’re going to cross paths with an extremely upset mountain goat.
Capricorn: You might want to find an attorney pretty soon.
Aquarius: Due to your frequent nudity and general public misconduct, you’ll probably never be allowed near an elementary school ever again.
Pisces: Your relationships will be tested this week when you receive some unfortunate news.
The bright side is, you’ll finally learn who your true friends are. Sadly, you’ll come to the realization that absolutely no one cares about you and you have no real friends.